1. There are only two foods that matter, and they'll both be the main courses.
2. And, more importantly, there's only one acceptable beverage.
3. It is morally and spiritually mandatory that everyone spends time outdoors.
4. The simplicity of the holiday can't be beat: it's just a barbecue. With friends. And drinking.
5. It is acceptable to relax and party from dusk till dawn, and every good American abides by this rule.
6. You can eat multiple burgers in one sitting accompanied only by murmurs of agreement.
7. In fact, copious amounts of any food can enter your body at any time without any judgment.
8. Corn, normally a totally random vegetable, is welcomed by all.
9. And desserts are endless and always necessary.
10. It is, by definition, a perfect party.
11. You can bond with your friends over the majesty that is the grill.
12. And encourage those you love dear to just keep drinking.
13. All you have to do is wear something red, white or blue. How easy is that???
14. And yet you still have permission to go totally wild.
15. It's an exception worth making even if you're not the "party" type.
16. And yeah, the morning after may be a little rough on your body.
17. But celebrating the 4th of July to the fullest is what being an American is all about.
18. Because there's only one holiday that matters.
19. Now go see to those fireworks.
