A Definitive Ranking Of Foods To Eat After Sex

Post-coital treats you don’t have to get dressed for!

23. A Cigarette

Though not technically a food, it’s often reached for once the act of love has been concluded. It’s a little sexy, it’s mostly bad for you, and it ultimately doesn’t fill you up. Boo.

ID: 1920521

22. Smoothies

Yeah it’s replenishing and healthy and blah blah blah but like, they require so much work. And you should be cuddling. WHO ARE YOU.

ID: 1920587

21. Delivery Anything

It’s always excellent, except one problem: You have to put clothes on, or fashion a makeshift bedsheet toga. Now ask yourself: IS THAT WORTH IT?

ID: 1921545

20. Coffee (Black)

You hate feeling tired for even a second and this’ll get the job done but jeez, just relax for a second!

ID: 1920647

19. A Piece of Bread (Hopefully Toasted)

It’s easy and fills you up, but it lacks soul, man.

ID: 1920727

18. Gatorade

When you’re done being someone else’s thirst quencher, this is a fast and carefree way to restore those electrolytes.

ID: 1920676

17. Popcorn


ID: 1920951

16. Berries

They’re refreshing and good for you! (not that the latter is important, since this is all about you having a fun time and who cares.)

ID: 1920621

15. Tortilla Chips with (Store-bought) Salsa

Ranked this low only because the chips are likely stale and you likely don’t have guac.

ID: 1921119

14. Easy Mac

It requires mild effort, but it’s worth it. All parties will be satisfied.

ID: 1920861

13. A Beer

A classic. Consider skipping only if your pre-coital experience already involved like eight of these.

ID: 1920843

12. Ramen (from the Package, Obviously)

This is the food version of a quickie. And there’s an opportunity to bond over flavor choices (if you both agree on beef, you’re a solid couple. Good for you!)

ID: 1921137

11. Leftover Pizza

Sure, it’s not as great as when you first had it, but it’s still pizza. Pizza at it’s worst is still better than 90% of all other foods at their best.

ID: 1921158

10. Deli Meats

If you have at least three different kinds, you’re good to go. Even if your hands get a little greasy. Plus, eating meat in bed is so positively medieval, in only the best way.

ID: 1921223

9. Leftover Chinese

Behold those oily noodle tendrils! Admire those glistening beads of sauce, drawing you closer!

ID: 1921260

8. Bagel Bites

When you had these as a kid, you probably couldn’t imagine possibly wanting them even more. But those feelings never went away, even as an adult having just done adult things.

ID: 1921360

7. Candy

It’s light and gives you a sugar high. Besides, who says you have to be an adult the whole night?

ID: 1921385

6. Nutella (Right out of the Jar)

Messy and casual, just the way you like it.

ID: 1921485

5. Leftover Birthday Cake

A seasonal treat, this the the unicorn of post-coital foods. Treat it with the respect it deserves.

ID: 1921602

4. Chocolate

Yadda yadda it’s an aphrodisiac yadda yadda. Forget that. Chocolate is even better after the aphrodisiac aspect has taken effect.

ID: 1921650

3. Dino Nuggets

After consent and contraceptives, these are the most important things to have in your room when planning a sexual encounter.

ID: 1921718

2. Blocks of Cheese

Your perfect union and sense of oneness could only be enhanced with one thing. Also, it’s a fact that having cheese in your possession makes people fall in love with you more. So there’s that.

ID: 1921745

1. Ice Cream (from the Carton, Two Spoons)

Simple. Romantic. Perfection. It says “hey, I like you” without coming on too strong. So share a carton and savor the moment!

ID: 1921798

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