Why The Knicks Didn’t Re-Sign Jeremy Lin

This is the only possible explanation. posted on

FRED THORNHILL / Reuters

INT. MADISON SQUARE GARDEN FLOOR — DAY

Jeremy Lin and Tyson Chandler are shooting around. Music plays over the MSG speakers. Jay-Z and Kanye’s “Otis” ends and suddenly a song with a fiddle and bluesy guitars begins playing.

JEREMY
Oh not this shit again.

TYSON
Jeremy—

JEREMY
No. No. Tyson, I’m so fucking sick of this. Why would this come on now? You and I are the only two people out here. Do you want to hear this? No. Do I want to hear this? No. And yet…

Lin gestures to the jumbotron. The music blasts. It is a terrible, wretched cacophany.

JEREMY
Have you seen Hell On Wheels?

TYSON
No.

JEREMY
James Dolan owns Cablevision. Cablevision has strong ties to AMC. AMC made that show. And he made them use this JD AND THE FUCKING DONKEY SHIT song as the theme. He’s tricking himself into thinking he’s a success at music.

TYSON
I don’t know. It’s not that bad.

JEREMY
Given the choice, I’d rather drink the urine of a guy who just spent six days at sea drinking his own urine than listen to JD and the Straight Shot.

TYSON
Jeremy—

JEREMY
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to kill Hitler by making him listen to James Dolan sing. You know the riddle, “Could God make a stone so big that even he couldn’t move it?” You want to know the answer? There is no God! How can there be when this fucking record exists?!?

TYSON [awkwardly tugging at own collar]
Jeremy, maybe you should —

JEREMY
This song makes me wish I was still sleeping on Landry’s couch. And then it makes me wish Landry was holding a pillow over my face until I fucking died. I’d rather have MY BEST FRIEND MURDER ME than listen to James Dolan — who, I should note, will eventually have the power to irrationally and heartbreakingly end my relationship to the Knicks — groan out one. MORE. NOTE!

Long beat. Tyson stares at Jeremy. Jeremy’s face falls.

JEREMY
He’s right behind me, isn’t he?

FADE TO BLACK

Oh wait, it was just because Lin signed an offer sheet with another team (which is, you know, how the league works) and James Dolan took that as some sort of sign of disloyalty? MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!

Facebook Conversations
          
     
    Now Buzzing