What I Learned From 14 Bizarre Belieber #Imagine Tweets

I went to Twitter today to see what Beliebers had to say about the news that Mariah Yeater dropped her paternity suit, but I found something way better stranger.

1. They Still Hate Selena Gomez

And in their dream world Justin hates her so much that he keeps her around just to not give her things.

2. They Think Justin Can Teleport Through The Phone Line

They are going to be so disappointed when they discover The Matrix wasn’t a documentary.

3. They Will Trade Their Health For Justin’s Love

What if he has that rare transferable-through-kissing cancer? Did you ever think of that @OMBJustinBiebs*?

*I believe this is short for Oh My Bieber Justin Biebs. Bieber helps us all.

4. They Take “Star-Gazing” Literally

Justin: “That one’s pretty too-”

You: “NO! We are only looking at ONE star. Otherwise it would be ‘stars’-gazing. Jesus Justin.”

5. Justin Is Friends With Some Guy Named Chaz

This actually makes me like Justin more. Though I don’t know if this girl should be letting Justin’s mom decide if he gets her. It strikes me as a bit anti-feminist.

6. Their Imagined Version Of Justin Is Kind Of An Asshole

That’s why Justin doesn’t want you to die? So he can be okay? Shouldn’t he just want you to live, because no one should want the opposite?

7. Their Narratives Often Have Loose Ends

For instance, JUSTIN YOU STILL HAVEN’T TOLD ME WHY THE ROOM IS FULL OF SMOKE! IS IT ON FIRE? THIS IS AN IMPORTANT QUESTION.

8. They Want Justin to Be The World’s Lamest Hacker

For the record, the world’s coolest hacker was definitely Lex in Jurassic Park.

9. You Cannot Crash Your Own Wedding

You know they actually have a point here. For years I had been planning to crash my own wedding, but now that I know it’s impossible, I must finda new dream.

10. Imagined Justin Has A Great Sense For Hidden Penises

That’s what this is about right? Sussing out a cross-dresser? Am I misreading that?

11. They Want Justin Bieber To Confess His Love Of Them To His Teacher

Because every girl I’ve ever loved has only known it was true once I made an ass of myself by answering a biology question incorrectly. (THE ANSWER IS OXYGEN, JUSTIN! OXYGEN!)

12. They Are Just Using Justin To Get Verified On Twitter

Their whole fandom was a ruse. A ruse, I say!

13. They Want Justin To Either Be Bad At Math Or Bad At Asking Questions

12 was the right answer. If he wanted her to answer “8 letters, 3 words, 1 meaning: ‘I love you’” than he definitely did not phrase the question properly.

14. Justin Has A Friend Named Scooter

That’s even better than Chaz.

Bonus: Not An Imagine Tweet, Just Hilarious

Jelanator?! Is that what fans of Justin and Selena call themselves?