1. Big Foot Will Win The Republican Presidential Nomination
He is a notorious small government advocate, and very opposed to any sort of taxation, but unlike Ron Paul he has a chance to win.
2. Taylor Lautner Will Win A Best Actor Oscar For Abduction
The best performance of the year will be treated as such. They said it was impossible for a man to squint through an entire performance. They were wrong.
3. The NBA Will Disband And Stars Like Deron Williams And LeBron James Will Go Broke
All of the abandoned arenas will be turned into gladiatorial arenas though. So you win some, you lose some.
4. Lady Gaga Will Be The First Musical Artist To Perform On The Moon
The native people of the moon will find her boring and too tame for their extreme tastes. Thus will begin the first of three Space Wars between us and the “Moonies” (the second of these wars will be started by us laughing at their silly name).
5. Justin Bieber Is The Father Of The Octomom’s Babies
She just didn’t want to tell the world, because she doesn’t want the attention.
6. By The Year 2013 Monkeys Will Star In All Of Our Feature Films
And the quality of the film industry’s output will skyrocket.
7. This Man Will Be Named People’s Sexiest Man of 2012
And it will be an obvious choice. (Edited to add: Motörhead is going to be huge in 2012.)
8. Gaddafi’s Body Will Be Exumed, Reanimated, And Then Dominate The Next Season Of Dancing With The Stars
He and his partner Julianne Hough will have a secret romance.
9. Turtles Will Evolve Before Our Eyes In The Year 2015
They will look like turtles crossed with baby dinosaurs. Everyone will find them adorable.
10. In The Year 2016 This Will Be Our First Family
Rick Perry will finally be president, but his loss to Big Foot in 2012 and a rough four years in Texas will have taken their toll on him and his family.
- At least nine people in Colorado Springs were injured in a shooting at a Planned Parenthood clinic, officials said. ›
- At least 15 people were killed after a suicide bomber attacked a Shiite Muslim procession of hundreds of people in Nigeria. ›
- And how well do you know what happened in the news this week? Take our quiz. ›