10 Things More Likely To Be True Than The Bieber Paternity Accusation

When word leaked out that Mariah Yeater tried to tell an ex-boyfriend of hers that the baby was his, before filing a paternity suit against Justin Bieber her story began to look even shakier than it did initially. So we’ve gathered together a list of things that are more likely to be true than her Bieber baby accusations.

1. Big Foot Will Win The Republican Presidential Nomination

He is a notorious small government advocate, and very opposed to any sort of taxation, but unlike Ron Paul he has a chance to win.

2. Taylor Lautner Will Win A Best Actor Oscar For Abduction

The best performance of the year will be treated as such. They said it was impossible for a man to squint through an entire performance. They were wrong.

3. The NBA Will Disband And Stars Like Deron Williams And LeBron James Will Go Broke

All of the abandoned arenas will be turned into gladiatorial arenas though. So you win some, you lose some.

4. Lady Gaga Will Be The First Musical Artist To Perform On The Moon

The native people of the moon will find her boring and too tame for their extreme tastes. Thus will begin the first of three Space Wars between us and the “Moonies” (the second of these wars will be started by us laughing at their silly name).

5. Justin Bieber Is The Father Of The Octomom’s Babies

She just didn’t want to tell the world, because she doesn’t want the attention.

6. By The Year 2013 Monkeys Will Star In All Of Our Feature Films

And the quality of the film industry’s output will skyrocket.

7. This Man Will Be Named People’s Sexiest Man of 2012

And it will be an obvious choice. (Edited to add: Motörhead is going to be huge in 2012.)

8. Gaddafi’s Body Will Be Exumed, Reanimated, And Then Dominate The Next Season Of Dancing With The Stars

He and his partner Julianne Hough will have a secret romance.

9. Turtles Will Evolve Before Our Eyes In The Year 2015

They will look like turtles crossed with baby dinosaurs. Everyone will find them adorable.

10. In The Year 2016 This Will Be Our First Family

Rick Perry will finally be president, but his loss to Big Foot in 2012 and a rough four years in Texas will have taken their toll on him and his family.

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