Snooki Is Pregnant

According to Radar Online. Let’s take a look at their quotational evidence.

You guys, their source is an insider. This person definitely knows what she’s talking about. If she didn’t didn’t they wouldn’t call her an “insider.” It’s not like they would just write about a rumor somebody told them. Not Radar. Not our greatest source of celebrity journalism. Not The Pink Lady.

And if Snooki has an announcement, it must be that she’s pregnant. What else could she possibly have to talk about? It’s not like she has a clothing line. (Oh.) I mean a perfume. (Right.) Did I say perfume, I meant a book deal. (Huh.) Spin-off? (Of course.) New job as a boxing promoter? (You have got to be fucking kidding me.)

And what other reason for feeling sick could Snooki ever possibly have?

Hey how did you get there damning video?

Okay, I’m not saying that she’s NOT pregnant. But this is a woman (and I use that term loosely) who became famous for eating entire jars of pickles*. Now we’re suspicious of her craving yogurt? Has she just always been pregnant?

*Okay also for getting really drunk. Maybe she’s always been pregnant and is a time-traveller from the ’50s.

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