Newest Clipper Bobby Simmons Has The Crazy Eyes

It’s like he’s looking directly into my soul. And he doesn’t like what he sees.

On the first night of the Clippers’ second Bobby Simmons era, the recently called-up forward took his slightly wonky eyes and commanded them to shift into a look so unnerving that I’ve been shaking since I first laid eyes upon it. And now I can’t stop staring at it. I just keep waiting for his eyeballs to turn blue and for Bobby to tell me in a slight British accent that he knows all of my secrets. Get away from me Sid the Sloth! Sloths can’t play basketball!*

*I’m not being slothist. This is a little known bylaw in the NBA rule book. The league passed it after Red Auerbach signed a sloth as the result of a drunken bet he lost to Fred Schaus. The Sloth was cut after getting in a fist fight with Dave Cowens.

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