Men’s NCAA Tournament
2. Syracuse Orange 64 — Wisconsin Badgers 63
Syracuse scored eight points in the last seven minutes of play. And they won. March Madness is exciting, but Jesus is the actual basketball bad. No seriously… Look at the play-by-play over the last three and a half minutes and try not to shoot yourself. It’s nearly impossible.
3. THE Ohio State University Buckeyes 81 — Cincinnati Bearcats 66
I want Ohio State to win the whole thing. The idea that the Buckeyes being led by a guy with no tattoos (Sullinger) is so delicious in light of some of their other extracurriculars. Granted if the team won something, Sully could actually afford to barter for tats in Columbus, so maybe I’m speaking too soon.
4. Louisville Cardinals 57 — Michigan State Spartans 44
Word is that if the Cardinals win the whole thing, Rick Pitino is going to take them all to his second favorite restaurant in Louisville. It’s not as good as his first, but at least he feels comfortable there.
5. Florida Gators 68 — Marquette Golden Eagles 58
Bradley Beal dominated the game with 21 points, 6 assists, and 4 rebounds. I heard he was pretty down after the game though. Happy about the win, but his stats just increased his chances of playing with the Wizards, Bobcats, or Kings next season, and that would crush anyone’s dreams.
7. New Orleans Hornets 97 — Los Angeles Clippers 90
There’s no better way to say, “Fire my head coach right now, or I will murder him on the court with my bare hands, because he is embarrassing me, our city, and our owner who is an evil slum lord. That’s right even he’s embarrassed” than to lose to the piece of shit team that you forced a trade from, because of their lack of a future.
8. Utah Jazz 103 — Sacramento Kings 102
When reached for comment Jimmer Fredette said “DeMarcus, stop giving me a wedgie.” Weird. You’d think they’d want to talk about the game.
Indiana 85 — Washington 83
Houston 109 — Golden State 83
Boston 100 — Milwaukee 91
Portland 97 — Memphis 93
11. Vancouver Canucks 2 — Dallas Stars 1
Andrew Alberts (Left in the Canucks jersey) knows the secret to a good fight is taking your opponent’s protective gear and using it against him.
Philadelphia 2 — Washington 1
Pittsburgh 5 — Nashville 1
Tampa Bay 3 — Edmonton 2
Minnesota 3 — Calgary 2
Phoenix 3 — Colorado 1
Los Angeles 1 — St. Louis 0
San Jose 2 — Boston 1