Is Doug Funnie A Racist?

This is the question that political organization “Why The F*ck Does Doug Funnie Only Mack On White Chicks?” poses in their mission statement. As today is the twentieth anniversary of the seminal Nickelodeon series, and therefore a great deal of praise is being heaped on Mr. Funnie and company, we figured we’d let the other side speak.

The Following Is The Mission Statement Of Facebook Group And Political Organization “Why The F*ck Does Doug Funnie Only Mack On White Chicks?”

Since 1991, the heartwarming Nicktoon “Doug” has taught children across America how to survive in the tough world of Junior High. It has given kids the confidence to show their faces in public, even if their nose takes up their entire face, because, hey, Doug did it, and he did fine. Sure Roger Klotz made fun of him for being a loser (LOSER… loser… loser…) but Roger’s green so who gives a f*ck.

Doug Funnie has proven to the world that even though you may be insecure, have about five hairs on your head, write in a diary, think your dog’s a person, wear the same green sweatervest every day, and have twigs for arms a legs and an inexplicably large stomach, you can still fit in. And that, I think, is beautiful.

But what about Doug’s taste in women? Over 100 students are enrolled at Beebe Bluff Middle School (changed from Bluffington Middle School in February of 1996). They all are of different colors. Some purple, some green, some yellow, some blue. It’s a crockpot of diversity. Out of these hundreds of students, male and female, there are at least 200 female students. And, out of these hundreds of female students, there is only one, I repeat, one white girl.

Perhaps she is a little darker than Doug, but a. You can’t get any whiter than Doug Funnie and b. Patti’s blond, so she’s clearly Caucasian (or Swedish, but Swedish people talk funny so this eliminates that option).

Her name is Patti Mayonnaise. And who does Doug choose to be his lover? You guessed it. Ms. Patti Mayonnaise.

Coincidence? I think not. Look at the facts. There is one white girl out of hundreds at Beebe Bluff Middle School. It is statistically improbable for Doug to crush on a wigga. Thus, race has to be a factor.

So why does Doug Funnie only mack on white chicks? Because he is a racist. It makes logical and perfect sense, and there is simply no other explanation for Doug’s white supremacist macking. Doug Funnie is the Michael Richards of Nickelodeon, and this is a sad, sad truth.

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