How To Con An Umpire: A Step-By-Step Guide

Why catch the ball, when you can not catch the ball?

1. Step One: Wait For Your Opportunity

If you want to be a con artist, you can’t just go around conning people all willy-nilly. You have to be like George Clooney in that one movie where he’s attractive and wearing a suit and saying sardonic things. You have to wait until the right moment and make your move. Yankees left fielder Dewayne Wise’s moment came last night when Jack Hannahan popped up into foul territory.

2. Step Two: Look Alive

It’s vital that you don’t tip your hand early, by not committing. Remember the con only goes into effect if you can’t make the play. But to figure that out you have to try. If you don’t, people will be onto you from the start and you’ll have to stop playing the Big Con and go back to dealing three-card monty in a fantasy version of New York that only still exists in bad sitcoms and Spike Lee’s brain.

3. Step Three: The Play

This is where you take your shot. If you can make the catch, great! If not, get your acting chops ready. You may have to employ them at a moment’s notice.

4. Step Four: Flair

At this point it’s becoming clear that you’re not going to pull this off. Time to baffle them with bullshit. As famous magicians, tobacco growers, and furniture salesman say, “it’s all smoke and mirrors.”

5. Step Five: Try To Hide The Fact That You Failed

Wise did a great job of this. He kept enough doubt as he descended out of the view of the camera that no one knew if he had it. Sure from this other angle it’s clear he didn’t, but neither the umpire, nor the TV crew could tell on first look.

6. Step 6: Hope No Assholes Blow Your Cover

This jerkwad in red almost let the ump make Wise by picking up the ball and holding it proudly above his head.

7. Step 7: Have A Hype Man

But luckily for the outfielder this guy quickly joined in the scam and began pointing at him, as if to say “You’re the man Dewayne Wise. Good job making that amazing catch. I soitenly don’t have the ball over here.” Also all hype men in the con-game talk like Damon Runyon characters.

8. Step Eight: Act The Part, Be The Part

Of course you made the play. Who would even question such a thing? Certainly not an umpire (even though that’s his job).

9. Step Nine: Escape

Now get out of there before anyone has time to question anything.

Seriously, run away. Don’t even stop to talk to Derek Jeter, even though he’s a legend and you’re Dewayne Wise, and when Brett Gardner returns he’ll probably forget your name.

11. Step Ten: Enjoy The Mark’s Face

This guy’s a dummy. He gave you an out even though you didn’t even come close to making that catch. Look at what a dummy he is, with his dummy face. Dummy.

12. Step Eleven: Try To Live Your Life Without Going Dead Behind The Eyes From All The Lying

Dewayne’s got to work on this one.

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