1. Step One: Be Left Off Your Nation’s Olympic Team
This is an obvious prerequisite, otherwise this post would just be called “How To Be A Douche For No Reason: A Guide By David Beckham,” and honestly I’m not sure the Internet could hold a post as long as that one would have to be.
2. Step Two: Lose To The Surprise Stars Of The 2012 MLS Season
After not qualifying for the playoffs last year, the San Jose Earthquakes have been the surprise— WHATEVER. Like anyone cares. The fact is one team had Landon Donovan and David Beckham (The Galaxy) and the other team (The Earthquakes) did not. Forget their records this year, that’s embarrassing.
3. Step Three: Be A Douche, Kick The Ball At The Ref (Or At Sam Cronin)
You have to give him credit. People talk shit about how Beckham is past his prime, and he obviously is. I mean, he’s playing in the MLS, and even though the league is improving it’s still a joke. I swear any time an actual European soccer commentator has to say the names of one of these teams, I think part of his soul dies (see Darke, Ian).
Yet all that said, the accuracy on display here is incredible.
4. Step Four: When The Fight Comes, Don’t Flinch. Look Badass
I mean sure from this angle he looks like he’s pulling it off, but how does it look from a closer one?
5. Step Five: Receive Bonus Points For Looking Like A Crazy Confederate General
On the official Anthony Hopkins Hierarchy of Scary Faces, this look is just below Hannibal Lector and just above Richard Nixon. (In case you’re wondering, the scariest face is the one Anthony Hopkins gave his agent when he saw the final cut of The Rite.)
6. Step Six: Randomly Push Some Guy With Carlos Valderrama’s Hair
Sources tell me that Beckham wasn’t even mad at this guy, he just has a rare disease where he can’t pass someone with hair that absurd without pushing him. It’s called “Anderson VarjOW OW STOP PUSHING ME”-itis.
7. Step Seven:Make Sure You Have A Good Blocker So You Don’t Actually Have To Fight
Soccer players don’t want to actually fight. Like baseball players, these confrontations are theatrical events where everyone gets to pretend like they’re hard. That’s why Marcelo is the star here. He keeps Becks from having to stay in the fray for too long.
8. Step Eight: Make Sure To Use Language That Is Appropriate To The Situation
I can’t believe you kiss Posh with that mouth, David. She loves mothers. Haven’t you ever listened to her music?
9. Step Nine: Win Everyone Over Again By Scaring The Mascot
Who doesn’t hate mascots? In any other context they’re just furries.