When Xan Spencer, aspiring actor, looked around the Internet, he saw not what it was, but rather what it could be. What follows is your guide to XanSpencer.com. Neither the Internet nor your life will ever be the same.

Why can’t I have a miniature version of myself personally walk people through the site? You mean I can?

Where most websites will ask you to “read” them to figure things out, Xan Spencer himself walks you through his site, bit by bit. If you’ve ever wondered what Clippy would have been like if he had been a blandly handsome actor, we now have our answer. Let’s walk through Xan’s walkthrough, shall we?

When we arrive at Xan’s site, he’s sleeping! Xan why are you sleeping in your website? Are you homeless? Also what are you sleeping on? The “Like” button isn’t a pillow! Also you seem to be floating. Are you or are you not a wizard? These are the questions I have right out of the gate.

Xan doesn’t want to be rude and talk to us in his pajamas. After all the man is a professional. He has to go make himself pretty for us.

Xan returns looking more presentable and then explains that this site is for the fans. In fact the whole right side of the site is designed just for fans! In case you were wondering, Xan Spencer’s IMDb page has nothing listed. Just pictures. Seriously. I didn’t even know you could be listed with no credits. This is all to ask what Xan’s fans (I can see the LiveJournal communities already) know him from.

XAN WHY DO YOU HAVE A GUN?! Oh, whew, you’re acting right now. I was scared for my life for a moment, but now I realize it was just acting. And by acting I mean looking tough and shooting a gun. A voice chimes in “Cut. Perfect. That’s exactly the take we were looking for Xan.” I can’t wait to see this movie their shooting. Xan claims the footage will be edited and in his reel by the time the tour is done. I’m beginning to worry he actually lives in a computer. Like in Tron.

Finally Xan puts on a suit and pitches us directly. He will do anything to be involved in “our” future projects. He says that “we” have been a part of movies that have been “entertainingly amazing.” He’s very sincere, but when you remember that he’s saying this to anyone who is watching the site it doesn’t seem as heartfelt. Unless, of course, he finds literally every movie in the history of movies to be “entertainingly amazing.” In that case he’d be okay, but otherwise Xan Spencer is a liar. Furthermore if you haven’t made movies or TV or anything, then Xan comes off like he’s ironically praising your “work” and reminding you of how little you’ve accomplished. You don’t have to be such a jerk, Xan.

Xan wraps it up by telling us about the other pages of the site. After this I don’t know how we could not dive deeper…

Xan’s Reel

First some photos to whet your appetite…

And now… The reel:

Xan’s an action star in the making.

Xan’s Favorite Quotes

10 of Xan’s favorite quotes belong to Mr. Will Smith (11 if you count the fact that one of them is attributed to The Pusuit of Happyness). My favorite of Xan’s Will quotes: “To have the level of success that I want to have, it’s difficult to spread it out and do multiple things. It takes such a desperate obsessive focus; you really gotta focus with all of your fiber and all of your heart and creativity.” This literally goes against everything Will has done in his career. I’m sorry weren’t you one of our first rapper-slash-actors? This would be the most ridiculous part of the quotes page if it weren’t for the fact that Xan also quotes himself twice.

1. “Today I will take immediate action for everything, because it’s action that separates the successful from the unsuccessful.”

2.”Criticize me if you must, but it’s better to have a path full of mistakes that you can correct and learn from, therefore bettering yourself and your surroundings, then to have no path at all.”

Xan is full of sage advice.

Final Xan Thoughts

This is the greatest website I’ve ever seen in my life. It’s like Ricky Gervais is trying to tell a story in a new medium and hired this kid to play his newest creation, Xan. I’m not totally convinced the site isn’t a joke. If it is, it’s amazingly well executed and hilarious. If it isn’t, it’s just hilarious. And a little sad. Make sure to check it out then come back here and tell us if you think it’s real.