1. Award Show Seat Filler
Look at him. That’s a man who knows his way around a chair.
2. Pepsi Spokesman
Look at that form! He’s born for it. I can see the commercial now: Stan throws his player under the bus. Media stares at Stan. Stan pulls out a can of Diet Pepsi and cracks it open, everyone but Stan freezes. He drinks and thinks. Everyone unfreezes. Stan: “Are you guys done with me.” Stan walks away. Voiceover: “Need a minute, Diet Pepsi.”
That might be the Twix ad campaign. I’m no Michael Ginsburg.
3. Adult Film Actor
NOT A PORN STAR. Stan could just act in the movies. Like say they make a parody movie about the situation in Orlando. Ron Jeremy could play Stan. Some tall woman could play Dwight. And Stan could play a janitor who is cleaning up the locker room when he walks in on them. I’ve already sent the script to SVG’s people.
4. Coaching The Clippers
Unless the Clippers go to the Western Conference Finals (unlikely), the only way Vinny Del Negro has any shot at returning next year is if he has cancer and Donald Sterling feels bad about it. (Oh wait…). There will be a few other coaching jobs out there, but this one is clearly the cream of the crop. SVG plus two superstars (Chris Paul and Blake Griffin) would make this team an instant favorite for 2012-2013.
5. Hosting A Prank Show
Each segment would involve Stan ratting someone out and then running away to leave that person to deal with the consequences. He’s already mastered this, let’s just film it.
I want Stan to be the only person deciding whether gladiators live or die. I’m really sick of this America votes system. (Gladiators=American Idol contestants)
7. Join His Brother Jeff In The Broadcast Booth
These two are hilarious and adorable together. Stan on Jeff: “He was always my best friend, and still is.”