1. Oklahoma City Thunder — Urban Outfitters
The team actually had no choice on this one. Turns out Russ Westbrook’s had been spending so much money at Urban Outfitters, that he had gotten pretty deep into debt. If the Thunder didn’t give the advertising space, Russ would have to miss games to work shifts. It’s the only way they’d let him pay off his tab.
2. New York Knicks — JD And The Straight Shot
When details of the patches were announced to owners, James Dolan was doodling in his Dream Journal/Lyric Notebook, and didn’t quite understand what he was supposed to do. So instead of selling the ad space, he just had them put an old JD and the Straight Shot album on the chest. “This bad boy, won’t stop selling!” Dolan was heard telling his cat, Glen Grunwald.
3. Boston Celtics — AARP
Barry Jones of the AARP initially got in touch with the Celtics to try to pass on membership info to Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, but then he and Danny Ainge got to talking. turns out they have a ton in common. They’re both are tall white guys. They both know a thing or two about playing through pain — Barry just had a hip replacement, but still loves to golf. They both enjoy steeling from Kevin McHale — Danny took Kevin Garnett, Barry took credit card offers out of his trash. Danny was so amused he gave the old folks a sweetheart deal.
4. Cleveland Cavaliers — Ford Pinto
Ford decided to bring back the infamous car when this advertising opportunity presented itself. It’s not often you can advertise something that will inevitably burst into flames alongside a player’s career that will inevitably burst into flames. Nobody can escape the curse of the Mistake By The Lake.
5. Miami Heat — Halliburton
A natural pairing of powerful, but hated organizations, Halliburton will help push LeBron and company to new heights of evil. Part of the deal will involve Chris Bosh helping Halliburton negotiate contracts. Turns out people are terrified of velociraptors.
6. Los Angeles Lakers — Kobe Bryant’s Face
The Buss family was figuring out what they wanted to do, when Kobe walked into the boardroom with this drawn on a napkin. He didn’t say a word. He just put it down in front of Jimmy and walked out. They knew what they had to do.
7. San Antonio Spurs — Total Cereal
Boring? Fitting. Healthy? Important to prolong Tim Duncan’s career. Something Gregg Popovich will derisively mock? Definitely.
8. Los Angeles Clippers — RC Cola
Donald Sterling sought this one out so his players wouldn’t get big heads. Big heads mean big salaries. Donald wants this team to stay the RC Cola of basketball teams. Serviceable, but not the best by any means.
9. Denver Nuggets — Sally’s Babysitting
Because JaVale’s mom can’t always be there to watch him, the team decided to hire Longmont, Colorado 13-year-old Sally Carmichael. The Nuggets would have had to pay her quite a bit of money, but luckily GM Masai Ujiri is a skilled negotiator. He got her just for the ad.
10. Orlando Magic — Unavailable
The soon-to-be Howard-less Magic were not able to find any takers for their ad. Well, Stan Van Gundy offered to buy that space, but he wanted it to say “Fuck You, Dwight.” The team was willing to go along with it, but DAvid Stern wasn’t having it.
11. Chicago Bulls — Charlotte Bobcats
Michael Jordan called in some favors with his old team in hopes of getting somebody, anybody to watch his Charlotte Bobcats.