10 Sluttiest Cities In America

CBS News (journalism!) has put together a list of the most promiscuous cities in the country.

10. Their Choice: Houston, TX…..Our Choice: Dallas, TX

Houston has no business on this list. None. Nobody gets laid in Houston. And by nobody, I mean me when I was there two years ago. But the point stands. Dallas on the other hand? The portrait of classical Texan sex. Plus the Mavericks just won the title so I assume lots of celebratory boning was occurring.

9. Their Choice: San Diego, CA…..Our Choice: San Diego, CA

Okay, this one they got right. Have you ever met anybody that went to San Diego State? Their mascot might as well be the silhouette of drunk, stumbling sex.

8. Their Choice: Denver, CO….. Our Choice: Milwaukee, WI

I suppose maybe the altitude/drug culture of Denver might make people more likely to have sex, but have you been to Milwaukee? There is nothing to do there but drink. And drink people do. A lot. Like all the time. In fact, there’s an 87% chance that if you are reading this in Milwaukee right now that you are either currently drunk or have a beer in your hand. Drunk people have sex. This is basic math.

7. Their Choice: San Bernadino, CA…..Our Choice: Tempe, AZ

San Bernadino? Really? Really? I mean, not LA? Not the San Fernando Valley? I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. Now Tempe? Sure, including it on the list is basically just a referendum on Arizona State University, that said, have you ever been to Arizona State University? I’m pretty sure gonorrhea evolved to be airborne at that campus.

6. Their Choice: Dallas, TX…..Our Choice: Austin, TX

So we obviously don’t begrudge CBS’s inclusion of Dallas on the list. We just think they overstated Dallas’s case. That’s the old Texan guard. Austin? That’s Texas sex for the next generation. They’re the liberal hotbed of the Lone Star State. Liberals are more promiscuous than Conservatives. The whole God thing doesn’t get in the way.

5. Their Choice: San Francisco, CA….. Our Choice: San Francisco, CA

Yep. That’s about right.

4. Their Choice: Miami, FL…..Our Choice: Detroit, MI

Miami at 4? Really? Really? Jesus CBS. (Doesn’t anyone else think it’s weird that CBS did this? They’re a news agency. How is this news? Whatever.) Miami is so slutty that it (and the lack of income tax) made LeBron James put a knife into his hometown on national TV. That’s another level of slutty. As for Detroit… Well if the apocalypse were to happen, I’d imagine lots of people would be desperately having sex one last time. That’s why Detroit is slutty. That apocalypse stuff isn’t hypothetical there. (There’s your silver lining to the death of American manufacturing. Distraction Sex!)

3. Their Choice: Pittsburgh, PA…..Our Choice: Los Angeles, CA

I mean no offense to Pittsburgh (okay maybe some offense, Go Browns, Steelers suck), but you have no business being on this list. Particularly with who was left off of said list. CBS didn’t include Los Angeles? Really? People aren’t slutty there? Really? Have they been there (or watched Entourage for that matter)? Come on CBS. Walter Cronkite is disappointed in you (for a lot of reasons).

2. Their Choice: Seattle, WA…..Our Choice: New York, NY

Seattle is fine and good, but it rains all the time. I mean did you watch The Killing? Or Real World: Seattle? Didn’t seem so sexy. And that’s just me using two documentaries to make my point. Facts. So there. As for our choice…

How was New York not on the list to begin with? Have you looked at Craigslist in New York. It’s got to be sluttier than all the other Craigslists combined. And granted that’s the extreme fringe, but the city in general is just as bad (good?). New York is Sex and the City. Seattle is Frasier. Which one was sexier? (I know, it’s closer than it should be, but I still think NYC comes out on top.)

1. Their Choice: Portland, OR…..Our Choice: Miami, FL

Portland is an awesome city. It’s fantastic. But when you think of Portland, you don’t think of sex. Have you seen Portlandia? Great show. Not sexy or slutty. Now Miami? Well Will Smith made a lot of money as a “clean” rapper, and even he had a song where he talked about how all the fucking makes Miami the best place ever. When it comes to sluttiness, Miami is the champion. Unlike when it comes to basketball.