1. McKayla Maroney — Gymnastics
If McKayla Maroney doesn’t get a reality show, then I will have lost all faith in the institution that is American Reality TV, and wouldn’t that be a shame. Maroney is talented, funny, charismatic, and is the owner of one of the all-time greatest bitch faces in history. I want to see what her high school is like: Is she the queen bee? Is she a dork? I don’t know, and it’s reality TV’s job to tell me.
2. Ryan Lochte — Swimming
Is Ryan Lochte the biggest douchebag in Olympic history? Probably not; there have been a lot of people in Olympics. Stephon Marbury, for example. But regardless, Lochte is a douche, and I want to see him and his douche travels. He should host a No Reservations style show. Ryan Lochte “Jeah-ing” his way through Pakistan? Who wouldn’t watch that?
3. Usain Bolt — Track
Would anyone be opposed to track and field becoming the fifth major sport (after football, basketball, baseball, and soccer)? I want to see Usain Bolt race every weekend. No? Can’t do that? Can we have Usain race things? I want to see him race a train. Maybe an antelope. More Usain please.
4. Mo Farah — Track
Mo Farah captured the hearts of Great Britain with his two gold medals and his “M” pose when he celebrated his wins, making him the rarest of things: a distance runner who is as badass about winning as a sprinter. Can’t we follow his training regiment for 2016? He has an adorable daughter named Rihanna. She’s precocious!
5. Tom Daley — Diving
British diver Tom Daley answered a question many of us had: what would it be like if a member of One Direction won an Olympic medal? (I’m sure someone was wondering that.) A Daley-centric show could be like if Laguna Beach went to London and had a baby with a diving-focused Friday Night Lights. Get on it, BBC.
6. Sanya Richards-Ross — Track
Sanya Richards-Ross won gold and is married to Super Bowl champion cornerback Aaron Ross. That is a successful, attractive couple. If the entertainment-industrial complex can’t find something for them to do on TV, I’d be shocked.
7. Dong Dong — Trampoline
His name is Dong Dong. You could make a TV show where he sat still and stared directly into the camera for 45 minutes, but as long as he had to say his name once in a while I’d be happy. Hell, just put it on the screen in a chyron. It’d still be the highest rated show on NBC.
8. Robert Forstemann — Cycling
German cyclist Robert Forstemann (right) has giant quads. His show would be called What’s Bigger A (Insert Giant Things Here) Or Robert’s Quads? It’s too bad the FOX of Man vs. Beast is gone. They totally would have greenlighted this already.
9. Marko Novakovic — Kayak
In week four of What’s Bigger…? Robert’s calves will face Serbian Olympian Marko Novakovic’s arms. It’s a toss up.
10. All Of Handball
The United States needs professional handball. We need it now. If these Olympics have taught us anything, it’s that Ryan Lochte is a douche. But if they’ve taught us two things, it’s that Lochte is a douche and that handball is like basketball and soccer’s fast-paced, violent baby.
- Afghan officials are investigating reports that Mullah Mohammed Omar, the leader of the Taliban, is dead.
- Officials released new footage proving Sandra Bland was "alive and well" when her mugshot was taken. The release aims to counter social media rumors that she was deceased in the photo.
- Michel Platini, the current UEFA president, will be a candidate in the 2016 FIFA election to replace Sepp Blatter ⚽️