5 Surprising Excerpts From The Fake “Mighty Ducks” Oral History Book

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1. Gordon Bombay allegedly infected a peewee hockey team with the measles.

Tony Kornheiser (Sports Reporter, Co-host of Pardon The Interruption): Right before the start of the Junior Goodwill Games you began to hear whispers that Bombay was responsible for infecting the Panthers with the measles virus.

Gregory Goldberg PhD (Mighty Ducks Goalie/Defenseman): I’m asked this question all the time, both from my current students and when I myself was a student at Harvard, I believe Gordon Bombay was responsible for poisoning those children.

Tony Kornheiser: There was a lot of chatter about how Bombay was “connected,” basically untouchable. There were multiple witnesses who spotted him leaving the Panther’s training facility on three separate nights before the outbreak, his fingerprints were everywhere, and telephone records show he placed over 20 calls to noted Measles supplier Marcus “Night Cheese” McGwire.

Gordon Bombay (Coach of the Mighty Ducks/Lawyer): If I would have infected those kids, a jury of my peers would have found me guilty at my trial. It’s not like I’m some scholarly, world-class lawyer, right?

Ian “Buckets” Morgan (Minnesota Night Janitor 1989-1998): Who uses eggs to teach children how to play hockey? I spit on Gordon Bombay. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to remove dried egg residue from the ice?

Julie “The Cat” Gaffney (Mighty Ducks Goalie): One night after practice, right before our loss to Iceland, I was frustrated about playing time; I looked at Coach and said, “You did it, didn’t you?” He smiled, shot a few finger guns my way and said, “You better believe it, Cat.” I went straight to the top of the United States media, Summer Sanders, and said, “Look, Bombay confessed to me that he poisoned those kids. Also, I’m a Russian spy and your country is in grave danger.” Sanders shot me this icy stare and said, “Honey, this is the Junior Goodwill Games. This not tournament, this for real.”

Summer Sanders (Reporter/NBA Inside Stuff): I actually stole that from The Karate Kid 2.

Mark Curry (Star of Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper):
Bombay definitely infected those kids.

Jesse Hall (Mighty Ducks Forward): One night I see Hans out by the pond — just kinda mumbling and staring at his hands. He turns to me and says, “Jesse, I have to turn him in. I must turn that monster in.” We embraced and parted ways. The next day I received a telephone call from my brother Terry. Hans was dead.

2. Superstar Adam Banks struck Ken Griffey Jr. in the face with a hockey stick.

Tony Kornheiser: Adam Banks’ rampant steroid use was the worst kept secret in peewee hockey.

Jesse Hall: We all knew Banks was juicing. Even Fulton knew, and I love that rascal, but he is the stupidest human being to have ever walked the earth. Hans used to shoot Banksy up in the boiler room.

Gregory Goldberg PhD: Banksy’s temper was legendary. Remember Peter? One time he accidentally drank Banksy’s Gatorade, so Banks burned his house down. Right to the ground. Zero remorse. He had eyes like a feral hawk. Ironic, I suppose. Peter ended up moving to Milwaukee.

Lester Averman (Mighty Ducks Forward): Everyone knew that you never touched Adam Banks’ Gatorade.

Charlie Conway (Mighty Ducks Captain): I walk in the locker room and find Ken Griffey Jr. and Banksy playing Tecmo Bowl, and I was like, “Sweet! Can I watch?” They said no, so I left.

Gordon Bombay: In early 1993 I went on two dates with Lisa Kudrow.

Ken Griffey Jr. (Actor, Little Big League): I wanted to be the Oakland Raiders and Banks wanted to be the Oakland Raiders. Adam Banks ended up being the Oakland Raiders, and I’m still unable to process shapes correctly.

Adam Banks: (Might Ducks/Hawk Forward): Do I regret striking Ken Griffey Jr. in the face with a hockey stick? Sure I do. But I’ve changed. I’m clean now. I worked as an Associate Producer on the television series Burn Notice for a couple of years, and now I do color commentary for the Calgary Flames.

Connie Moreau (Mighty Ducks Forward): It’s hard to say if Adam has truly changed. I haven’t seen him since… wow… since Mendoza’s funeral.

Adam Banks: Once you’ve been a Hawk… the things I’ve seen, done… you can’t begin to… Plato once wrote… I’m sorry.

Adam Banks walked out and declined to participate in further interviews.

Fulton Reed (Mighty Ducks/Bash Brother): Banks loved to be not good, but he hockeyed good, too. Me hockey for the Mighty Ducks, but hockey teams have a lot of players.

Former Might Duck Luis Mendoza tragically passed away in a 2003 automobile accident after failing to stop at a red light.

3. Russ Tyler did not invent the knuckle-puck.

Jon Hamm (The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret): I was going through a real tough time in the mid-nineties. I borrowed a gun from my dear friend Matthew Lillard and really pondered it out, ya know? Is it time to go, Hammy? Then I thought to myself, Jon, you live in a world beautiful enough to allow the knuckle-puck to exist.

Sheryl Crow (Featured in Kid Rock’s “Picture”): “Everyday is a Winding Road” is loosely based on Russ Tyler’s knuckle-puck. So is “If it Makes you Happy.”

Yasmine Bleeth (Nash Bridges): For a bit of a spell in 1994 I was nicknamed “Knuckle-puck” by Davey Hasselhoff because, like a knuckle-puck, I too was hard to be accurate and drove production crazy. And by that I mean I was constantly late and set David Chokachi’s houseboat on fire. You don’t throw a Memorial Day houseboat party and only invite half the cast, David Chokachi.

Chuck Klosterman (Author): The first time my father viewed Russ Tyler’s knuckle-puck, a single tear fell from his face, he looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I love you, son.” First and last time he ever said he loved me.

Russ Tyler (Mighty Ducks Forward):
I didn’t invent the knuckle-puck. This kid on the playground we called Domino did. I don’t know his real name, but Domino moved to Baltimore. I still can’t believe I was eligible to play on that team.

Charlie Conway:
I honestly didn’t mind giving up my spot so that Russ and Banks could play in the Junior Goodwill finals. I didn’t really like hockey.

Gordon Bombay: So, it was like 2005-2006, and I’m in Maui with Matthew McConaughey and that joker asks me to teach him the triple deke…

Bombay received a call on his cellphone and exited the room.

Dwayne Robertson (Mighty Duck Forward): I was not well liked on the team. Adam Banks peed in my skates on a number of occasions.

Sheryl Crow: What’s that silly song I sing where I’m like, “I’mmm gonna something something. I’m gonna tell everyoneee to something something”? That one’s about knuckle-pucks too. I’d say 75% of my songs were inspired by knuckle-pucks.

Gordon Bombay: And I said, “With all due respect, First Lady Clinton, I invented the Flying-V, so I will urinate in whatever room I please.”

4. The Bash Brothers listened to adult contemporary music to pump themselves up before a game.

Puck (MTV’s Real World San Francisco): Everyone wanted to be a member of the Bash Brothers.

Julie “The Cat” Gaffney: They were really nice guys. Dean would lend me his sweatshirt when I got cold, and Fulton would ask me if I used to be a cat; just two nice boys. If Russia had succeeded in its plot to overthrow America through youth hockey, I would have asked my handlers to spare those two. I would have killed Goldberg myself with my bare Russian hands.

Dean Portman (Mighty Duck/Bash Brother): Coach told us we had to keep up our rock and roll image for the press, but honestly, I think heaven is located within the lyrical vulnerabilities hidden beneath the soft coo of Phil Collins’ “Sussudio.”

Charlie Conway:
I remember asking Dean if I could join the Bash Brothers and he just laughed and laughed. And then I laughed. And then he told me to shut up, so I did. He was my best friend.

Fulton Reed: Phil Collins makes my heart feel not bad sometimes. He sings good and my ears are good, too.

Gordon Bombay: You honestly would not believe how many pushups I can do.

Kenny Wu (Mighty Ducks/Olympian/Bash Brother): Right before the finals with Iceland, Fulton, Dean and I slipped into a tiny stadium alcove, popped on the Dirty Dancing soundtrack and just laughed and cried. Laughed and cried.

Dean Portman: I remember saying, “Wu, Wu, Wu, Kenny Wu, I love Wu.” Then we sang a three-way duet of “Time of Your Life” that would have bedazzled you.

Fulton Reed: Me like Dean. Kenny Wu Fulton’s friend.

5. Charlie Conway’s game-winning goal against the Hawks not only won the Ducks the championship, it saved Gordon Bombay’s life.

Chuck Klosterman: When referencing the modern zeitgeist, the constructed reality created by the Ducks/Hawks iconography is far less important than the authenticity of the event itself. I suppose I could argue the Mighty Ducks are the genesis of art, but when you transcend art are you then prohibited from being referenced in the systematic nomenclature of art? I suppose you can, but I also suppose you cannot.

Tony Kornheiser: The Ducks/Hawks Minnesota State Peewee Championship was the most coveted ticket in sports history.

Tony Danza (Talk Show Host): I sat between J.D. Salinger and former WWE wrestler Hacksaw Jim Duggan. J.D. and I shared an order of nachos. Nice guy. Wouldn’t shut up about Wheel of Fortune though.

Gordon Bombay: Yeah, I had some heavy action on the game. I went from being a boring, albeit very successful, lawyer to coaching an almost average children’s hockey team in Minnesota. I was basically Jesus Christ. So, yes, I bet a few unsavory gentlemen from Biloxi 3 million on the Ducks to win. They said if I couldn’t pay they’d chop me like a salad, which was clever. Very clever, actually. I wasn’t really nervous, until Banksy went down.

Jack Reilly (Hawks Coach): Would I order the hit on Banks again? It was the Minnesota State Peewee Championship. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t ask one of my players to take Adam Banks out of the game, I would ask him to take Adam Banks out of this life. Peewee hockey is not a game; it’s a lifestyle. This is the Hawks’ world, son. We’re allowing you to live in it. Interview over.

Mr. Reilly popped his collar and exited the interview.

Ken Griffey Jr.: It looked like a clean hit from where I was sitting.

Mario Lemieux (Hall of Fame Hockey Player): Game tied at four apiece, and Conway receives a penalty shot with no time remaining? Unbelievable. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. Jaromír Jágr and I held hands and started chanting the word hockey. We never wanted to let go.

Jesse Hall: Mario Lemieux is a cake eater.

Gordon Bombay
: I told Charlie, “Win or lose. I believe in you.” And then I whispered in his ear, “If you miss this shot, I will dump your mother.”

Charlie Conway: Honestly, I was kinda surprised everyone wanted me to take the shot. I was not very good at hockey.

Chuck Klosterman: Charlie Conway’s goal was the Mona Lisa smile of the twentieth century.

Fulton Reed: Charlie hockeyed the puck to winning the ice. Charlie friend. Charlie definitely friend.

Gordon Bombay: After the game I told the kids I was leaving Minnesota for a “minor league hockey tryout.” Give me a break. You know how long you can survive in Hong Kong with 3 million dollars? Six glorious months.

Damon Lindeloff (Co-creator of Lost): Rewatch the Ducks/Hawks championship and then view the final episode of Lost. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it?

Barack Obama (President of the United States): When Charlie Conway scored that goal I looked at Michelle and said, “I’m going to be the President of the United States someday.

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