1. What a taut behind you’ve got there, Mr. Croft.
2. And what a bulging crotch! Point it at that T-Rex. I bet it’ll intimidate him.
3. Oh, you’ve got two guns? They’re mighty big guns, Mr. Croft.
4. But you can holster one in the dark. I can still see you!
5. Better put both away when you’re jumping, and just focus on getting that body from one ledge to another.
6. But you can also just hang out and take your time.
7. You don’t want to miss all of the lovely things to stare at!
8. Anyway, enjoy exploring, Mr. Croft! Get nice and sweaty!
Joe Bernstein is a senior technology reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Bernstein reports on and writes about the gaming industry and web culture.
Contact Joseph Bernstein at firstname.lastname@example.org.
In The News Today
- Hundreds of Eurostar passengers moving between Britain and France were stranded for hours as people were seen on the tracks attempting to get through the tunnel. ›
- Europe's busiest sexual health clinic in London has accidentally revealed the identities of nearly 800 HIV-positive patients in a group email. ›
- The fingerprints of the main suspect in last month's deadly Bangkok shrine blast match those found on bomb-making material, Thai police say. ›