1. What a taut behind you’ve got there, Mr. Croft.
2. And what a bulging crotch! Point it at that T-Rex. I bet it’ll intimidate him.
3. Oh, you’ve got two guns? They’re mighty big guns, Mr. Croft.
4. But you can holster one in the dark. I can still see you!
5. Better put both away when you’re jumping, and just focus on getting that body from one ledge to another.
6. But you can also just hang out and take your time.
7. You don’t want to miss all of the lovely things to stare at!
8. Anyway, enjoy exploring, Mr. Croft! Get nice and sweaty!
Joe Bernstein is a senior technology reporter for BuzzFeed News and is based in New York. Bernstein reports on and writes about the gaming industry and web culture.
Contact Joseph Bernstein at email@example.com.
In The News Today
- The top U.S. commander in Afghanistan called the hospital bombing that killed 22 people "a mistake." ›
- Historic flooding has killed 16 people in South Carolina, where rain finally stopped falling on Tuesday. ›
- Takaaki Kajita and Arthur McDonald won the Nobel Prize in physics for their discovery that neutrinos have mass. ›