1. What a taut behind you’ve got there, Mr. Croft.
2. And what a bulging crotch! Point it at that T-Rex. I bet it’ll intimidate him.
3. Oh, you’ve got two guns? They’re mighty big guns, Mr. Croft.
4. But you can holster one in the dark. I can still see you!
5. Better put both away when you’re jumping, and just focus on getting that body from one ledge to another.
6. But you can also just hang out and take your time.
7. You don’t want to miss all of the lovely things to stare at!
8. Anyway, enjoy exploring, Mr. Croft! Get nice and sweaty!
Check out more articles on BuzzFeed.com!