The Oculus Rift Isn’t Even Out Yet And Some Horny Dudes Are Already Making A Porno For It

This is why we can’t have nice things.

The promise of a new virtual reality headset, the Oculus Rift, has united video game nerds, “futurists,” and grandmothers in furious excitement. This is for good reason — the Rift is supported by some big names and has the potential to change the way we play first-person games.

But there is a dark side to virtual reality, and I’m not talking about seizures or lawnmower men.

I’m talking about porno.

The dark side to virtual reality has always been porno. It nearly destroyed Sylvester Stallone’s romance with Sandra Bullock in Demolition Man.

And it became pretty dark pretty fast for Ralph Fiennes in Strange Days.

Also, it’s just about the creepiest thing imaginable. Probably in some people’s minds headset sex is all very “the future of sensuality,” but the truth is, it’s just the next step in the evolution of first-world men into chairbound, gray-green, pallid, constantly masturbating slugs.

But here comes Wicked Paradise anyways. The “brainchild” of Jeroen Van den Bosch, Paradise began life as a game called Sinful Robot before promised funding for the project disappeared. Van den Bosch touts Paradise, which he says will come out next year, as “The world’s first erotic virtual reality adventure game.”

Here is how the makers of the game describe its “promise”:

“Imagine playing Leisure Suit Larry but instead of watching a screen, you are inside the game.

Imagine the world and its inhabitants look highly realistic.

Imagine walking into a bar in Wicked Paradise, noticing a beautiful lady, talking to her, and seducing her.

Imagine playing your cards right and having passionate wild sex with her.

Imagine all this in high quality, immersive virtual reality.”

Imagine John Lennon, rolling in his grave.

7. Per the game’s Facebook page, the adventures will take place in locations as exotic as a bland strip club:

8. And here’s Van den Bosch creepily adjusting the shoes of a motion-capture “actress.”

Unfortunately, the Wicked Paradise team isn’t a group of horny dilettantes, but eight industry pros who have worked on projects as varied as Rage, Madden, and Call of Duty. (And who doesn’t want their erotic adventures crafted by the minds behind ultraviolent first-person shooters and sports games?)

Still, this may be the “erotica” a growing segment of our culture deserves. The top comment on a Reddit thread about Wicked Paradise? Says user Tobislu:

“Porn will innovate in ways that other genres won’t dare. I have a feeling that VR erotica will make haptics popular. Thank god for humanity’s insatiable lust.”

Yes, thank god.

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