Someone said: “If you’re not mad, you’re not paying attention.” This person was a drag. If you’re mad, follow these tips, and your life will be funnier. Your friends might be annoyed, though.
1. Whenever you trip in a public place, scream “NOT AGAIN” in as loud a voice as possible.
2. Don’t say “penis” or “vagina.” Say “A man’s penis” and “A woman’s vagina.”
3. If someone tells you that you have food on your face, make a giant exaggerated gesture to remove it, on a part of your face far from the location of the food.
4. Once a week, make a fart noise in public. Not a fart, a fart noise. Note the reactions of your friends and acquaintances.
5. Whenever you see a boy squirrel chasing a girl squirrel, say in a fey voice, “She’s too good for him.”
6. Once in awhile, tell people that you taught Young Jeezy everything he knows.
7. If you ever say something bad about a group of people and then one of those people is standing near you, scream “NOT AGAIN” in as loud a voice as possible.
8. Tell people that you studied piano for 12 years. If there is a piano nearby, sit down at it dramatically, clear your throat dramatically, wiggle your fingers dramatically, and play “Hot Cross Buns” in ill humor.
9. Go up to a stranger in the supermarket and ask them to borrow the first thing you see in their shopping cart. If they refuse, mutter “people today” and run away.
10. Once a week, walk away backward from an important conversation.
11. If you strike out with a member of the opposite sex, scream “NOT AGAIN” in as loud a voice as possible.
12. Whenever you hear a non-professional singer singing a song you like, ask them who sang that originally. After they tell you, respond “Let’s keep it that way.”
13. When it’s least expected, crawl.
14. When it’s most expected, belch.
15. If lasagna is on the menu, order it. If people ask why, say “Garfield is a hero of mine.” Actually, tell them even if they don’t ask.
16. If you ever find yourself in a romantic situation with a person who is much better looking than you, make a lot of jokes about how much better looking you are than them but that you don’t care about looks.
17. Occasionally, at an important drink, order yourself a bunch of Jager bombs. Don’t offer to share.
18. However you eat spaghetti, refer to it repeatedly as “the Italian way.”
19. If you have a stupid tattoo, tell people that it is dedicated to the memory of an important person in your life. When they ask, say “Seann William Scott.”
20. At a fancy restaurant, ask to see the dollar menu.
21. Whenever anyone mentions that they went to an impressive college, say, “Is that even in America?”
22. Tell people you don’t know very well that you used to model and see how long you can keep it up.
23. If you have a dog, tell people that it is a companion dog. If people ask why, tell them that you are very lonely.
24. Never refer to someone’s pet as “him” or “her” in the presence of its owner. Refer to it instead as “it” or “that thing.”
25. Use more Yiddish. I can’t stress this enough, it’s like they made a language specifically to make people laugh.
26. Never say you are “going to the gym.” Always say you are going to “crush a pump.”
27. Ask co-workers if they know the meaning of the phrase “arms akimbo.” Demonstrate ad nauseam.
28. If someone touches you, tell them to warn you next time so you can flex.
29. Think about the movie Kingergarten Cop once a week.
30. If you’re ever discussing highfalutin books, make it known that you thought the plot sucked.
31. If you’re ever discussing highfalutin movies, make it known that you thought the plot sucked.
32. If you’re ever discussing highfalutin visual art, make it known that you think it isn’t realistic.
33. Mention frequently that you love museums. If anyone takes the bait, respond “Madame Tuassaud’s.”
34. Whenever the need arises to use the internet browser on your smartphone in public, refer to it as “surfing the tiny internet.”
35. End at least one non-personal phone call a month by stating flatly, “I love you.”