Why You Should Forget The Werewolf Diet

The latest fad diet follows the phases of the moon. And is a slap in the face to werewolves everywhere.

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The latest trend in dieting is the "Werewolf Diet" where you fast during the full moon. Allegedly, the moon's gravitational pull assists in the weight loss process. This moon-based diet is rumored to be favored by Madonna and Demi Moore. And while planning your meals around the moon is unusual, what's really crazy is that Madonna and Demi Moore have potentially been outed as werewolves.

It's unfair to single out werewolves.

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Why are we targeting werewolves for weight loss anyway? Have you ever seen a wolf? They're usually looking pretty svelte and sexy. This diet allegedly allows one to drop up to six pounds in 24 hours. That sounds like a terrible idea for anyone, but it's an especially bad idea for werewolves.

Werewolves need to eat regular meals.

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Werewolves, listen. The full moon is your most stressful time of the month. That's no time to be fasting and drinking only juice. If you're starving when the moon comes out, it's only going to make you more likely to feast on human hearts.

How can you worry about looking thin when this is the time you're most likely to kill your entire family? And not only that, if you're just sippin' on juice thinking about how nice a muskox or a caribou or human flesh might taste right now, that's a prime time for someone to come shoot you through the heart with a bullet made of pure silver. Don't let that happen.

It's important to be the best werewolf you can be.

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If you're really trying to cut back on killing, go ahead and supplement your diet with weasels, ground squirrels, mice or other rodents. And every once in a while, go ahead and splurge on an elk. If you really want to lose weight, you should do it the old fashioned way by running furiously through the forest at midnight and/or ripping through the chains of your safe room. You're beautiful, wolfy, just the way you are.