1.
Chelsea: Nothing is less inspirational than saying "inspiration" over and over.
Joanna: Yeah, those are the sad ramblings of a failure.
Chelsea: I just want to yell "GET TO THE POINT."
Joanna: Is this a trick? I feel like this shirt is trying to trick me and I don't trust it.
Chelsea: You wear this on your shirt if you want to distract someone before punching them in the face.
Joanna: Oh, then it's a great shirt for that.
2.
Joanna: I feel like this is a direct attack on mole people.
Chelsea: This bums me out. It's like a worse version of that Scandal quote, "Hide in the shadows or stand in the light."
Joanna: Olivia Pope would never wear this.
3.
Chelsea: If you wear this shirt, you only have lonely nights.
Joanna: Is this one of those pickup artist things?
Chelsea: PUA! PUA!
Joanna: "Sometimes I just sit and cry" — alternative text for this shirt.
Chelsea: I just disagree with this statement in general. What kind of awkward are they talking about? They didn't even show the guy's full face for this pic. HE WAS TOO EMBARRASSED.
Joanna: Yeah, if you wear this shirt you're just creating a whole day of awkward for yourself.
4.
Chelsea: This gives me a lot of hard feelings.
Joanna: "No hard feelings" = some bad shit went down.
Chelsea: This is like a not as bad version of "I'm not sexist/racist/etc. but..." You never say "no hard feelings" unless hard feelings are warranted.
Joanna: Is the rest of this shirt censored by the government?
Chelsea: Oh my god WHAT DOES IT REALLY SAY?
Joanna: Maybe the rest of the words are so insensitive they knew we couldn't handle it.
5.
Chelsea: Oh nooooo... Wait, so is it like "second-best adventure" or "your next big adventure"?
Joanna: Syntax!
Chelsea: I think she's selling herself short if it's the former.
Joanna: It seems like a shirt a young, beautiful female character in a movie should wear right before she teaches a nerdy boy an important life lesson, all without being allowed to have her own fully developed personality or plotline.
6.
Joanna: Chelsea just audibly groaned.
Chelsea: This is to tell the boys that you can hang but you'll still be super pretty about it.
Joanna: I'm a tomboy but, god forbid, not in a masculine way!
Chelsea This says, "I'm a lady and I just don't like hanging out with women."
Joanna: I feel like you could write a 300-page gender studies thesis paper just on this shirt.
7.
Chelsea: Can I have a shirt that just says "MAN"?
Joanna: I really did not realize Urban Outfitters graphic tees would be entrenched in such complicated gender issues.
Chelsea: Please refer to Anne Helen Peterson's essay on "the cool girl" for this shirt.
Joanna: Must shed society's negative image of being a woman.
Chelsea: Can I buy my boyfriend a shirt that says "one of the girls"?
Joanna: Yeah, where's that shirt?
8.
Joanna: Is this a mistake?
Chelsea: The description for washing clothes is disturbing when applied to a person.
Joanna: This shirt fell through a hole in time and space.
Chelsea: I think that's exactly what happened. I wonder if the real graphic is on the part where the directions for cleaning should be. The tag just says "pretty tomboy."
Joanna: This is like that movie where Matthew McConaughey is an astronaut who goes into a black hole and something terrible happened to this shirt in space that made this happen.
Chelsea: Always blame Matthew McConaughey.
Joanna: I'm sorry if this shirt spoiled the plot of Interstellar for anyone.
9.
Chelsea: OF COURSE it's a white dude in this shirt.
Joanna: Just no.
Chelsea: Also the lettering is the least chill of lettering for something that's supposed to be peaceful. It's yelling "namaste" at me.
Joanna: Yeah it's stressing me out.
Chelsea: If a yoga teacher wore this, I'd have to leave.
Joanna: If anyone wears this, you should leave.
10.
Joanna: This shirt needs its own Pinterest account.
Chelsea: It's like "I'm a grown-up but I still have fun 'cause PIE." Is cherry pie always vaguely sexual? I feel like it's always used in songs that way.
Joanna: It's one of the more sexual foods, yes. Is this shirt a Twin Peaks reference?
11.
Joanna: [heavy sigh]
Chelsea: If you have to say you're weird, you're not weird.
Joanna: "I'm so weird" is the new "I'm such a nerd."
Chelsea: Also the "sting" part is way aggressive.
Joanna: Intere...STING. I guess I can accept it as a Sting reference. [Wanders off humming "Fields of Gold."]
12.
Chelsea: This is one of those people who tweets LAX>SFO>MIA and makes me want to die.
Joanna: This will give you a free pass through airport security because the TSA agents can easily see from your shirt that you're a seasoned world traveler.
13.
Chelsea: This sounds like part of a musical.
Joanna: This is something you say right before you burst into song.
Chelsea: What kind of night life though? Like night owl?
Joanna: He's into possums and raccoons.
Chelsea: Show up to the club with this and sing your way in.
Joanna: Up in the club getting drunk with sexy possums.
Chelsea: ~dream saturday~
14.
Joanna: The person who wears this needs the person wearing the "live in the sunshine" shirt.
Chelsea: Maybe the two will find each other.
Joanna: I hope so.
15.
Chelsea: Way harsh, Tai.
Joanna: I don't know if having a negative attitude is as cool in 2015 as it used to be.
Chelsea: I don't think it is. But maybe "I hope both teams win" would be worse.
Joanna: We're just out here trying to have a good time and this guy is bringing us down with his T-shirt. Grumpy Cat called, she wants her whole schtick back. I'm just kidding. Grumpy Cat can't use a phone.
16.
Chelsea: If you have $24 to spend on this shirt, you shouldn't be so negative.
Joanna: Amen.
17.
Joanna: Do people not know where L.A. is?
Chelsea: As someone from L.A., I find this offensive.
Joanna: But it is important to let people know you're "in" with California by calling it "Cali." That's secret, cool West Coast slang.
18.
Chelsea: This seems like a dangerous shirt, always saying "yes please" to things. But fancy, so people know you mean business.
Joanna: French words are super fancy. I would wear this to a fancy French restaurant.
Chelsea: It lets people know you took a little French in high school and are down to party.
Joanna: The random French words read "I'm sophisticated" while the jaunty placement of the letters says "but I'm not a snob about it."
19.
Joanna: Hey shirt, you're not my dad.
Chelsea: These shirts need to do better. Maybe this was a message for the other shirts in the store.
Joanna: I'm honestly so tired of T-shirts telling me how to live.
Chelsea: I need a shirt that says, "I'M TRYING."
Joanna: My shirt says, "We're all just doing our best here, man."
20.
Chelsea: Gotta tell everyone you know what a newspaper is, ya know?
~wears this T-shirt // doesn't know basic world news~
Joanna: You should wear this on a first date to let your date know you're smart.
Chelsea: I hope there's a New York Times intern who's worn this.
Joanna: Being an NYT intern is the ONLY reason to wear this. Like they made you wear this to pass out newspapers.
21.
Chelsea: PROFOUND.
"Let me tell you about my time at Burning Man."
Joanna: This is worn by someone who has never done any drugs of any kind.
Chelsea: This is a good way to tell your parents you definitely don't do drugs. If I had a teenager and he wore this, I'd be like, "Phew, glad that nerd isn't doing drugs."
22.
Chelsea: [blank stare]
Joanna: [blank stare]
Chelsea: If someone squeezed those ducks, it would hurt. This is dangerous.
Joanna: Yeah, be careful wearing this.
Chelsea: Honestly, I would wear this shirt without that message.
Joanna: Sure, ducks are adorable.
A happy ending...
