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Should you let these things into your home? Where you sleep?
BuzzFeed Staff
BuzzFeed Staff
Chelsea: Serial killer.
Joanna: Your guests should be able to come and go as they please.
Chelsea: Nothing would make me want to leave faster than something that tells me to stay awhile.
Joanna: It also just feels kind of desperate.
I want a wall hanging that says "THERE'S NO ESCAPE"
"STAY AWHILE, THE DOOR IS LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE"
Chelsea: "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, IT WIL BE NICE, HERE LOOK AT MY STORAGE LADDERS"
Joanna: "COME, MAKE A NEW LIFE HERE WITH ME AND MY LADDERS"
Chelsea: I just hate this so much.
Joanna: Alternate ashtray text: "I SMOKE MARIJUANA!!!!"
Chelsea: O DEAR LORD YOU ARE NOT FREE IF YOU ARE PAYING THAT MUCH FOR SOMETHING SO DUMB.
Joanna: No one wild OR free buys a wall hanging, period. "I'm so crazy, you never know what I'm gonna do next! Just look at my wall hanging!"
Chelsea: I want to know how many of those sold.
Joanna: I want to meet every person who bought this for $100.
Joanna: Coconut I get as a scent. But coconut WATER?
Chelsea: What does that even smell like???
Joanna: Tangy water. Who opens up a bottle of coconut water and deeply inhales the aroma?
Chelsea: Someone who is not doing well.
Joanna: What will pull this room together? Oh yes, a skull.
Chelsea: Ah yes, a metal human skull.
Joanna: For when you want to remind houseguests that you're edgy, but not too edgy. (Someone really edgy would have a real skull.) There are a million uses for this. Like... Uh...
Chelsea: Probs make a good cup if you turned it upside down.
Joanna: Hang on, let's REALLY get this party started. Let me pull out my secret banana full of booze. Can you imagine drinking out of this?
Chelsea: Imagine seeing that in someone's pocket. You'd tell them to back the fuck off. And then when you learned it's actually a banana flask, you'd be like OMG BACK THE FUCK OFF still.
Joanna: This is the ugliest drinking glass I've ever seen. And this is coming from someone whose favorite cup was a plastic color-change Aladdin cup from Burger King.
Chelsea: Also why don't you just put your alcohol in a normal mug like everyone else, OK?
Joanna: You're too fancy for a tiny urine-soaked Mason jar?
Chelsea: Does this mean you're constantly zoned out in everyday life, just staring at walls?
Joanna: This person's quality of life cannot be great.
Chelsea: That seems really awful to constantly be easily woken up when you get to the REM cycle, ya know?
Joanna: Yeah, that's a horrible way to live. I feel bad for this person.
Chelsea: But also, what does this even mean?????????
Joanna: I honestly don't know.
Chelsea: This seems like something one of the wives on Sister Wives would make tbh.
Joanna: Need a safe storage space for my diamond rings — oh, this eyeball will do.
Chelsea: This would be the worst thing to come alive in Toy Story.
Joanna: You know what people wish they could do? Open up an eyeball and put stuff inside it.
Joanna: Thinking and living are mutually exclusive.
Chelsea: No no no, this person needs to think a little more about the life they are leading. And do better.
Joanna: I've had just about enough of wall art telling me what to do.
Chelsea: That does seem to be a theme here: bossy wall art, and honestly, I don't need that in my life.
Joanna:
1. Buy this art print
2. Quit your job
3. Burn down your house
4. Buy a boat
5. Sail off into the ocean
6. ???????
Chelsea: Is this a black light?
Joanna: I feel like the person who owns this has a couch that turns into a bed via remote control. And owns those "whiskey stones." The guy who owns this just listens to ambient sound effects instead of music.
Chelsea: ~just laser sounds~ I wonder if he has one of those little fountains.
Joanna: He has like eight little fountains in his apartment. All his dining room chairs are massage chairs.
Chelsea: Ewwwww.
Joanna: I will say, at $349, this weird tube of light is a steal.