25. Plenty Of Fish In The Sea
This shade reminds you that you’ll find someone else. Only a modest percentage of people die alone. Probably. There are no statistics to back that up.
24. Keep Up The Flame
If you have to be told to “keep up the flame” you’re in one of three terrible scenarios:
1. Your camp fire is about to die down before everyone’s had a chance to make a s’more.
2. Your camp fire is about to die down leaving your party at risk to die of exposure in these icy cold temps.
3. You’re in a loveless marriage.
If life has you jaded, not even this jaunty shade of green can fix it. Not even reminiscing about the 2001 Super Bowl Halftime Show where Aerosmith sang “Jaded” alongside ‘NSync can fix it.
22. Jail Bait
She grew up too fast, but she had to get out of this town any way she could, at any cost… :(
One hell of a manicure though.
21. Conga Line
Have you ever tried to start a conga line? People are SO reluctant to join on. You can usually only get one person to agree to it, maximum. And that’s not a conga line, that’s two people fooling themselves about every decision they’ve ever made.
20. Lonesome Dove
100% of doves die alone.
19. Shocking Seas
We’ve lost many good men on these shocking seas. Maybe if the seas weren’t so shocking, so unforgiving, they’d be home right now eating a chicken pot pie. Instead of dead.
18. Eternal Optimist
KEEP TELLING YOURSELF THAT
17. Black Star
Astronomically speaking, a black star would be a star that has cooled down and is no longer emitting significant light or heat. So paint your nails with a star that’s dying.
16. Breakfast In Red
Waking up…man I must’ve blacked out last night…sure am hungry…eggs sound good…WHERE DID ALL THIS BLOOD COME FROM? You’re a murderer.
15. Grey Area
No good conversation has ever contained the phrase “grey area.”
14. Spaghetti Strap
Have you ever seen anyone successfully pull off a spaghetti strap since 1999? You couldn’t possibly have. And that was the year my math teacher would make you wear her old lady blazer if you wore spaghetti straps in her class.
13. Thanks A Latte
This is the most passive aggressive pun I’ve ever encountered.
12. Cougar Attack
We have to get to the hospital!
11. My Silicone Popped
We have to get to the hospital!
10. Ants In My Pants
We have to get to the hospital! I mean, if they’re fire ants. Regardless of ant species, that would be a nightmare scenario.
9. Sugar Daddy
If we’re talking about the candy, gross. And if we’re talking about the daddy, gross.
8. Gone Grey
Nothing lasts forever. Might as well paint my nails to match the color of my soul.
7. I Lilac You
If you can’t just come right out and say “I like you” without making a pun and tell this person how you really feel, you’re hopeless. There’s no hope for you.
6. Wine Not
Wine not? WINE NOT? I’ll tell you wine not, we all have work in the morning and you don’t know when to call it quits, wino. That’s wine not.
5. Are Mermaids Real?
I do not want to be on the receiving end of this question. And even if they were real, have you ever read the Hans Christian Andersen version of The Little Mermaid? There’s no singing crab. And if there were a crab, he would not be singing after what happens.
4. Mr. Sandman
If we’re talking about the Sandman the Chordette’s sang about, then fine, we’re not going to have a problem. But if we’re talking about the Sandman Metallica sang about, then I’m terrified to summon him through the power of nail color.
3. My Button Fell Off
2. No Place Like Chrome
Who is saying this? A robot? Is Pixar’s WALL-E saying this? Oh my god he’s sentient and so aloooooooone. I’ve actually never seen this film because I fear I won’t be able to handle it, emotionally.
1. I Only Eat Salads
And we have a winner.
- U.S. President Barack Obama and leaders from 20 nations called for doubling clean energy research funding over the next five years at the Paris climate summit 🌍 ›
- The man accused in Friday's Planned Parenthood shooting in Colorado made his first court appearance. Charges are expected to be formally filed on Dec. 9. ›
- And there's a hilarious new rap meme of Pope Francis, thanks to a photo taken over the weekend of him giving his blessing 🙏🎤 ›