The 13 Soul-Crushing Stages Of Looking For A Job

Cover letters are the work of Satan.

1. Searching absolutely anywhere for job openings, even websites that are clearly shady.

After hours of looking for even one job that seems remotely desirable, those weird Craigslist postings for a “research assistant” who goes over to some dude’s house and gets paid in gum and VHS tapes start to look mighty appealing. Even those data-entry-from-home job scams that are CLEARLY scams start to look like good career opportunities. You make your own hours!

2. Filling out those tedious online forms that make you want to die.

You have to CREATE AN ACCOUNT just to apply for a job? And then fill in a million fields when clearly no one is ever going to look at it? Shouldn’t you be paid for that kind of work?

3. Never hearing back from anyone. Ever.

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It’s clear that most job applications seem to disappear into a black hole, never to be seen or heard from again. But what you probably didn’t know is that most businesses house a ravenous job-application-eating monster. Its thirst for applications is insatiable. Companies often list job openings that have already been filled just so they can get more food for their terrifying hell beast. And they obviously can’t send you any kind of rejection notification because the monster ate all your contact information. Otherwise they totally would.

4. Figuring out who your references should be.

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How important is it for them to be real people?

5. Deciding how much to lie on your resume.

Do my credentials look more impressive in Garamond or Verdana? Why am I suddenly embroiled in a weird battle to the death with Microsoft Word? Why doesn’t Word want me to have a job? Can we talk about this or are you just going to keep getting weird with the formatting? FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY THIS LOOKS GREAT.

6. Deciding whether you should write a cover letter or punch yourself in the face.

In Medieval times, there were many horrifying methods of torture. Legend has it that in some areas, prisoners were given a choice — the rack or writing a cover letter. Everyone always chose the rack.

7. Writing painfully awkward emails to your “connections.”

Is it possible to alert the friends in your industry that you’re looking for work without feeling like a sleazy slimeball using friendship for professional gain? NOPE.

8. Feeling a part of yourself die while attending “networking events.”

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“Networking” might be the worst word in the English language. Let’s just eat snacks and have polite conversation and try to pretend like this is normal and not the worst thing in the world. Now, make it rain business cards.

9. Figuring out what the hell to wear to an interview.

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You want to look good but not like you’re trying too hard. But suits make it feel like your torso’s in prison.

10. Questioning your sanity.

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You start to ask yourself questions like, Why won’t anyone hire me? Am I actually a garbage person? Where are they hiding all the REAL job openings? WHERE ARE THEY? TELL ME YOU MONSTERS. HAVE YOU NO SOUL???

11. Lowering your standards.

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I didn’t even want stupid health insurance anyway.

12. Longing for even a rejection.

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Even a one-line email that says “you suck” would be better than hearing nothing at all.

13. Going off into the wilderness to live off the land.

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IT’S CALLED BEATING THE SYSTEM.

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