The Ultimate Guide To Spoiler Etiquette

Spoiler alert your face, son. Those who spoil must pay the price.

Of course there’s a statute of limitations on how long we have to be careful about spoilers. We can’t be expected to never discuss our favorite shows just because some people haven’t watched yet. Here are the common courtesy rules for when it’s safe to discuss.

TV shows - You can openly talk about a show when everyone in the world who hasn’t yet seen every episode signs a waiver saying they never intend to watch it. If anyone refuses to sign or you’re unable to collect the large volume of signatures, then you’ll just have to keep your mouth shut.

Movies - You can openly talk about a movie when everyone who hasn’t seen it yet has died.

Books - before you discuss any book, make sure everyone within a one mile radius has read every book that you have read.

The answer is never.

The First Amendment to the United States Constitution clearly states nothing addressing this. But the answer is also never.

Feel sorry for those poor bastards. And DO NOT watch anything until AFTER it has aired in ALL time zones. This is an important act of solidarity that you must adhere to if you really care about preventing spoilers.

Paramount Pictures

To be safe, no one should ever discuss historic events of any kind. As soon as a movie addresses a real thing that happened, it becomes prone to spoilers. The same goes for classic literature. Not everyone has read Romeo and Juliet. Making a reference of any kind to its ending is something reserved for inconsiderate monsters. Who knows? Maybe no one dies. Maybe no one has ever died. And yes, your history teacher was a complete jerk for spoiling basically everything.

If this demon person really exists and dares to inflict you with… are you seated? … a SPOILER, there are several steps you can take to remedy the situation.
1. Whine about it incessantly. Make sure they really know how much they ruined your entire life.
2. Cut them out of your life forever, preferably banning them to a forbidden island of refugee spoiler people. Many call it Spoiler Island. It’s an awful place.
3. Never let anyone forget the wrong you’ve endured. Tell your story. Your last words on your death bed should be “I can’t believe Rick spoiled that one episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ for me.”

We’re not animals. If you want to live among people (and not get banned to Spoiler Island), there are certain responsibilities we all must share to make sure our world doesn’t fall to chaos. We must protect children, live by a social order of general kindness, and never, ever spoil anything.

If you ever plan to watch a TV show, there are certain precautions you must take. There’s always a chance someone who hasn’t seen the show could accidentally look in your window or overhear a line of dialogue. DO NOT let this happen. Make sure your curtains and blinds are drawn and that the volume is at the lowest possible setting. Just watching anything is taking a huge risk so do not take any chances. If you can watch your TV or computer under a big, soundproof tarp, that is ideal.

After you’ve watched a show, that is when you’re at the most vulnerable of letting a spoiler slip. Before you enter any room, you must yell out “Spoiler alert!” to make sure the people within know they’re at risk of you potentially letting a spoiler come out of your mouth. And even if you think you would never let yourself say anything that could be considered a spoiler, you never know if someone who hasn’t yet seen “House of Cards” can read your mind. And then you’re spoiling them, which is selfish and rude.

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