1. Friend your crush on Facebook.
This is the obvious first step toward developing any and all meaningful relationships. But be careful, a Facebook friend request sends a bold and assertive message that you can’t take back. Use it wisely. And if your crush isn’t on Facebook, may god have mercy on your soul.
2. Like one of their Facebook statuses or photos, but dear god, not too many!
Throwing down with a “like” proves to your crush that your Facebook friendship is more than just symbolic. But BE COOL. If you’re liking multiple photos at 3 a.m. you’ll look like someone with a heart of gold who just cares too much.
3. If you happen to see your crush in person, make eye contact but then quickly look away.
The eye contact sends a clear, direct signal that you’re in love with this person, but quickly looking away will make sure you don’t come on too strong.
4. Fav a few of their tweets.
The fav sends a subtle, sexy signal to your crush that you know how to use Twitter. But once again, use restraint. Faving too much dilutes the value of your internet love currency.
5. Maybe even retweet one of their tweets— wait DON’T! Don’t do it! That’s too extreme.
What the hell did you just do? If you retweeted your crush’s tweet you basically just proposed. You’re coming on way too strong, bro. You can’t hurry love.
6. Gaze at them longingly when their back is turned.
Your crush will feel your loving gaze on a spiritual level, but as long as their back is turned, it won’t be creepy. Just hope they don’t turn around too fast or they’re gonna get creeped out.
7. Scan all social media accounts for possible threats.
Protect your territory. Make sure no other bros or biddies are honing in on your crush with suggestive Instagram comments or tweets.
8. If your crush says something funny, make sure they see that you laughed.
If your crush makes a joke, even if it’s from across the room, make sure your laughter is audible. The louder you laugh, the more likely your crush is to see you for the amazing person that you are. So just keep laughing really, really loud. Louder. Even louder. Yes, that’s it.
9. If you ever find yourself coincidentally left alone with your crush, find an excuse to leave immediately.
A one-on-one convo? No, too soon. Get out of there. It’s too intimate.
10. If you’re forced to speak to each other, try making a dumb comment about the weather.
The weather is the perfect fall-back topic for when you realize you suck at having conversations. Seventy-eight percent of people fall in love while talking about whether or not it stopped raining.*
*Not a real statistic
11. Try something simple like, “Hey, how are you?” Unless you think you’ll screw it up and say “Hey, how are woo?” Then say nothing.
After extensive training, only if you feel ready and confident, attempt the casual greeting. But only when you’re truly ready.
12. Give a really weird compliment.
If you want to really let your crush know how serious you are, proceed to the compliment zone. You may feel awkward, but it will just come off as charming/unstable.
13. Replay every minor interaction the two of you have ever had.
If you said something really dumb to your crush, don’t worry. There’s an easy way to fix it. Just replay that moment over and over again until you hate yourself. THEN, you can be sure you won’t make the same horrifying mistake next time.
14. Wear your dumbest outfit, just in case you run into them.
If you want to increase your odds of bumping into your crush, make sure you look really bad. If you miss your crush, just roll around in some garbage and he or she should come right around the corner.
15. Text something vague and noncommittal—wait NO! You should’ve let them text first! What are you doing?
If you have each other’s phone numbers, wait patiently forever for that text you’ve been dreaming of. And if you decide to text first and they don’t respond right away, that’s when you need to change your name and make a new life for yourself in another city. It will be hard leaving behind your job, your friends and family, but you made your choice. And now you must go.