1. Dear world,
2. It’s me, the sledgehammer in Miley Cyrus’ new video for “Wrecking Ball.”
3. Yes, the one she licks.
4. Yes, multiple times.
5. You’ve probably heard a lot of talk about how tongue-to-sledgehammer action is “odd” or a “desperate plea for attention.”
6. But I’m here to tell you that our love is real. What Miley and I have together is a beautiful thing.
7. Unfortunately, there are people out there who will say “Maybe you shouldn’t lick a sledgehammer.”
8. Those people are wrong.
9. There’s nothing weird or obscene about getting intimate with a sledgehammer.
10. Miley and I do all kinds of things together like completing important construction projects.
11. And snuggling on piles of rubble.
Shhhhh she’s sleeping.
13. I’m basically Miley’s closest companion. She asks me for advice and we just understand each other.
14. That outfit she wore for the VMAs was all my idea.
15. Arguably, I’m the luckiest sledgehammer in the world.
16. Most sledgehammers get carried around by gruff construction workers who would never even remotely consider licking them.
And yeah, most of those construction workers have never even had a song make it into the Billboard Hot 100.