1. Hey, there. It’s me. Your best friend, Mason Jar.
2. Wait! Wait. Before you spray paint me and fill me with flowers, please hear what I have to say.
3. I’m serious. Don’t do this. Ugh, fine.
5. We need to talk. I think it’s time you saw other glassware.
6. I hope this doesn’t come as too much of a shock. What we had was really great. I wished those nights we spent together on Pinterest would never end.
7. But our love has become a bastardization of what it once was. Just look at these plastic faux jars they sell everywhere now. It’s only hurting us both.
8. I’ll never forget all the crazy times we had together. Remember when you tried to turn me into a terrarium? Man, what the hell were we thinking? We were so innocent then.
9. I’m forever grateful you never saw me as “just a jar.” You’ve truly proven that a mason jar can be used for anything, from a chalice for mashed-up cake to a noble vessel for other kinds of mashed-up cake.
10. But I fear your conquest to apply glass jars to all aspects of life could descend into madness.
11. It’s certainly physically possible to stuff pizza or a live fish inside of me. But that doesn’t mean that you should.
12. I can’t be there for you every single time you want to incorporate rustic charm into your life.
13. And, quite frankly, I think it’s time you asked yourself why you have such an insatiable need for rustic charm in the first place.
Shouldn’t there be another tiny mason jar inside the glass vase inside the mason jar? FAIL.
14. But until you figure that out, you’re going to have to stick with wrapping stuff with twine and reclaimed wood, because I’m out.
15. It’s time we both moved on. On those cold nights when I’m filled with seashells or a blueberry vodka lemonade with a sprig of thyme, I long for the days when I was vacuum sealed and filled with tomatoes or peaches.
16. I’ve got a life to live. And you’ve got yours. Maybe today is the day you open your eyes, and more importantly, your heart, to other containers.
17. Don’t pin me, I’ll pin you,
18. Mason Jar
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