So, you decided to get yourself a winter boyfriend or girlfriend to keep warm this winter. (After all, space heaters can’t talk or laugh at your jokes… yet. Come on, space heating engineers!)
But the holidays are over and spring is just around the corner. You DO NOT want this winter bf/gf hanging around when it comes time to get a summer boyfriend/girlfriend. How do you get them out of here? Try these steps.
1. Hide all your warm, cozy blankets.
Cozy blankets are such a liability. Your winter bf/gf obviously loves snuggling so even if you try to call it quits, they could just hide under a blanket, or worse, suck you into a snuggle vortex.
3. Work the term “beach body” into as many conversations as possible.
They won’t even know you anymore.
4. If you have a fireplace, make sure that thing is sealed off.
You don’t want old winter bf/gf getting any warm, snuggly ideas about cozying up to a fire. Plus, this is just sound general advice to prevent bats from flying in your home.
5. DO NOT wear cozy sweaters.
It’s best to clothe yourself in the least snuggleable fabrics you can find. Pleather is a good start.
6. If you have a beard, get rid of it.
The beard is one of the winteriest styles of facial hair possible. If you get rid of it, you can make yourself appear up to 75 percent less cuddly.
7. Just start squirting them with a water gun.
Bonus: This tip actually works for ending any relationship both personal and professional.
8. Feed them gazpacho.
If you want someone to get out of your life, a little cold soup goes a long way. And it will serve as a warning: Crisp summer soups are coming.
9. Slip little umbrellas into their drinks.
Destroy the magic of winter.
10. Make a trail of wool socks leading out the door.
Your winter bf/gf won’t be able to resist collecting free cozy socks and when they get outside, just lock the door.
11. Offer them a nice cup of tea… ICED tea.
There’s nothing your winter bf/gf loves more than curling up with a warm cup of tea. Throw ice into the mix and they’ll likely end the relationship right then and there.
12. Turn the thermostat way up and see what happens.
They probably won’t melt away like a snowman and disappear forever, but it’s worth a shot.
13. Cut off their hot cocoa supply.
Without hot cocoa, a winter bf/gf cannot survive. You’ll force them to leave and find another supplier.