4. Rice Pudding
Rice pudding had ONE job to do: Don’t resemble larvae of any kind. And it blew it. It totally blew it.
5. Baked Apples
Whose idea was this? Someone was like, “Mmmm, you know what sounds good? Hot apples.”
These could easily be used as weapons. That alone should disqualify them from dessert. Humans don’t even really have the jaw strength to bite into a biscotti. You’d need a lion or a bear to make a dent in one of these and even then they probably wouldn’t even want it.
8. Candy Corn
Candy corn tastes like a mistake.
9. Assortment of Hard Little Cookies
These sirens have tricked you too many times. They look pretty and festive stacked on a platter. Deep down in your heart you know they taste like hard, crumbly garbage. But maybe this time it can be different. Maybe just once they will taste good. You fool. They will never taste good.
10. Peanut Brittle
This is great if you’re just tired of having teeth and don’t want them anymore.
The problem with macarons is not their taste so much as the way they taunt you with their fanciness. They rub their fanciness right in your face. They think they’re better than you, or rather, they know they’re better than you. “I represent a luxurious lifestyle you could never possibly achieve,” the macarons whisper. Those little bastards.
12. Apple Crisp
Why couldn’t you just be apple pie? You know what, don’t answer that. Because you’ll never be an apple pie. You’ll always be a sorry disappointment, like an apple pie got drunk, barfed everywhere, left, and then the next morning what you discover is apple crisp.
Any dessert that can be described as “eggy goo” already has one strike.
21. Ambrosia Salad
This (somehow?) walks the line between dessert and side dish, but it still manages to be the stuff of nightmares. Everyone’s favorite salad topping is maraschino cherries. And there’s really nothing more refreshing or necessary than combining Cool Whip with marshmallows. Person who invented this, WHY DID YOU DO THIS?
A layperson might think this is fancy French chalk that children are given to draw with on a chalkboard. Wrong! Surprise — it’s food!
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