1. Fruit Pizza
This lacks a fundamental understanding of what pizza is. Anyone who can call this “pizza” should be thrown in jail. If anyone tries to serve you fruit pizza, that’s a major red flag and you should consider cutting them out of your life forever.
2. Anything With Raisins in It
Everybody knows that raisins are the devil’s candy. Adding raisins is the fastest way to take a dish from edible to never-ending sadness.
3. Black Licorice
While most desserts lend themselves to healthy debate, you’d be hard-pressed to find a single person who doesn’t think this tastes like poison.
4. Rice Pudding
Rice pudding had ONE job to do: Don’t resemble larvae of any kind. And it blew it. It totally blew it.
5. Baked Apples
Whose idea was this? Someone was like, “Mmmm, you know what sounds good? Hot apples.”
These could easily be used as weapons. That alone should disqualify them from dessert. Humans don’t even really have the jaw strength to bite into a biscotti. You’d need a lion or a bear to make a dent in one of these and even then they probably wouldn’t even want it.
What is the point of this? Stop wasting everyone’s time, sorbet. YOU’LL NEVER BE ICE CREAM. NOBODY WANTS YOU.
8. Candy Corn
Candy corn tastes like a mistake.
9. Assortment of Hard Little Cookies
These sirens have tricked you too many times. They look pretty and festive stacked on a platter. Deep down in your heart you know they taste like hard, crumbly garbage. But maybe this time it can be different. Maybe just once they will taste good. You fool. They will never taste good.
10. Peanut Brittle
This is great if you’re just tired of having teeth and don’t want them anymore.
The problem with macarons is not their taste so much as the way they taunt you with their fanciness. They rub their fanciness right in your face. They think they’re better than you, or rather, they know they’re better than you. “I represent a luxurious lifestyle you could never possibly achieve,” the macarons whisper. Those little bastards.
12. Apple Crisp
Why couldn’t you just be apple pie? You know what, don’t answer that. Because you’ll never be an apple pie. You’ll always be a sorry disappointment, like an apple pie got drunk, barfed everywhere, left, and then the next morning what you discover is apple crisp.
13. Jelly Donuts
There’s a reason why going to the fridge, taking out a jar of jelly, and pouring it directly into your mouth isn’t a common practice. A jelly explosion in your mouth is just not an experience a reasonable person desires.
14. Candy Canes
Does anyone actually enjoy these? Has anyone ever fully consumed one?
Contrary to popular belief, foods that wiggle are not crowd pleasers. Jell-O can be fun, but if this is what you’re serving for dessert, it means you’re not taking it seriously. You think dessert is just some big joke.
16. Frozen Bananas
No. A chocolate banana can seem appealing but when you actually try to eat it, you basically freeze your mouth off. And then you’re left holding this stupid banana.
Are there any TV shows that could be referenced here? Hmmm nothing comes to mind.
17. Candied Apples
This is definitely a solid concept. A+ concept. But how do you eat this? How in the hell do you eat something like this? It’s simply not possible. You cannot eat a candied apple without humiliating yourself and bringing shame to your family.
Any dessert that can be described as “eggy goo” already has one strike.
21. Ambrosia Salad
This (somehow?) walks the line between dessert and side dish, but it still manages to be the stuff of nightmares. Everyone’s favorite salad topping is maraschino cherries. And there’s really nothing more refreshing or necessary than combining Cool Whip with marshmallows. Person who invented this, WHY DID YOU DO THIS?
“Hey, would you like a piece of saltwater taffy?” No. The answer is always no. Sometimes if you can nab a chocolate one, it’s almost like you’re eating something worthwhile. But even then, you’re only eating chewy disappointment.
A layperson might think this is fancy French chalk that children are given to draw with on a chalkboard. Wrong! Surprise — it’s food!
Look, Oreos are great when added to other desserts. But on their own? It’s just a dry, hard cookie with gunk in the middle. Let’s say you’re not allowed to dip it in milk — would you even want it? A delicious food should not require a moistening agent.
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