The risks associated with accidental eye contact are huge.
When you accidentally make eye contact with a stranger, or, God forbid, prolonged eye contact, or, sweet merciful heaven almighty, REPEAT accidental eye contact, it can send any of these signals to the stranger:
1. I’m a freak who just looooves making eye contact with strangers.
2. I invite your conversation.
3. I’m in love with you.
ALL BAD. But don’t worry—there are many ways to prevent this nightmare.
1. Sunglasses are your secret weapon.
This may SEEM obvious, but are you really taking full advantage of your shades? Are you wearing them on cloudy days? Indoors like Kanye West? At night like Corey Hart? Horrifying eye contact can happen in all places, not just the beach.
2. Always be snacking.
You know that scene in the beginning of “Saturday Night Fever” when John Travolta is eating two pieces of pizza while walking? That should be you. Nobody’s making eye contact there.
3. Eat a big fruit.
It also helps if your snack is big enough to block out large portions of your face. Maybe try a whole pineapple.
4. The book.
The book is an old standby, and you don’t even really have to read it, but BE CAREFUL with this one. The book can invite questions like “What are you reading?” which can then lead to horrible, horrible eye contact. Exercise caution.
5. Look at your phone.
You’re probably doing this anyway, which is great, but people are always complaining about how often everyone looks at their phone. The key is to make sure you look like whatever you’re looking at is REALLY IMPORTANT then you can avoid both eye contact and jerk status
6. Fake a coughing/sneezing fit.
This trick is not only a great preventative measure against eye contact, but a great way to do damage control when you just made unwanted eye contact and need a good out.
7. Wear a basic, eye-covering hat.
But it’s very important not to wear a hat that attracts too much attention or you’ll be in Eye Contact City.
9. Wear a watch and CHECK IT OFTEN
It’s don’t-look-at-me o’clock, bitches.
10. Just close your eyes.
Sorry, folks, we’re closed for business.
12. Wear a mask.
Make sure the eyeholes are small or nonexistent or you’ll still be at risk.
13. Give them something else to look at.
Not wearing pants is a great way to keep the eyes of strangers far away from your face.
14. Blind them.
Wearing a caving headlamp is one of the easiest ways to take your eyes off the menu.
15. Do that whole pantyhose over the face thing.
Except without the robbing.
17. Get REALLY into kaleidoscopes.
It’s right about time for you to hit your “kaleidoscope phase.”
18. Shoot lasers out of your eyes.
It’s unclear whether or not we have the technology for this, but consult your eye doctor. If it’s an option you should definitely do it.
20. Remember the world around you is a fascinating place.
There should be plenty of things for you to look at besides a stranger’s eyes. Always be on the lookout. Seriously. Always be looking anywhere else.
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›