A Definitive Ranking Of All The Terms For Sex

Do residents of Pound Town pay taxes in the Bone Zone?

46. Bumping Uglies


Who says this? Really weird uncle.

45. Riding The Bologna Pony


Who says this? A slightly older neighbor kid who taught you too much about life.

44. Smushing


Who says this? A guy who compulsively pounds his fists together.

43. Porking


Who says this? A guy who was already eating pork anyway.

42. Poking


Who says this? A virgin who is afraid to look at his own penis.

41. The Horizontal Tango


Who says this? A guy who is wearing a Hawaiian shirt unbuttoned halfway.

40. The Beast With Two Backs


Who says this? NERD

39. Coitus


Who says this? A man who has watched “Weird Science” too many times and believes that he could probably fashion a girlfriend that way if he tried hard enough.

38. Hanky Panky


Who says this? Really weird aunt.

37. Making Love


Who says this? Michael Bolton.

36. Making Babies


Who says this? Someone who owes child support in multiple states.

35. Knocking Boots


Who says this? A riled up folk singer.

34. Doing The Nasty


Who says this? Mrs. Jenkins, from three houses down the street. The one with the big garage sales.

33. Ramming


Who says this? A man who learned everything he knows about sex from watching Discovery Channel nature vids and is super confused about how elephants “do it.”

32. Drilling


Who says this? Someone who eats Funyuns.

31. Nailing


Who says this? A malnourished-looking teen boy skater who does not have any idea what he is talking about but is trying to fit in with his friends, who pity him.

30. Boom Boom


Who says this? Someone trying to get their DJ career to finally take off.

29. Boinking


Who says this? Someone eating a hot dog while talking about sex.

28. Bonking


Who says this? Someone who has pointed to their bedroom and said “This is where the magic happens.”

27. Getting Lucky


Who says this? Frisbee golf champion, and Pharrell.

26. Sexy Time


Who says this? Someone who self identifies as “adorkable.”

25. Sexing/Sexing One Up


Who says this? A middled aged man wearing a metallic shirt sitting at a bar right this second drinking a martini.

24. Rolling In The Hay


Who says this? Frisky folk singer.

Ian Gavan / Getty Images

23. Humping


Who says this? Someone who probably says “vajayjay.”

22. Making Whoopee


Who says this? Excitable old timey people time traveling from the past.

21. Laid Down Together


Who says this? Mythical creatures whispering gossip in the forest.

20. Screwing


Who says this? Mimosa guzzling friend who tries to make you feel guilty.

19. Doing The Wild Thing


Who says this? Tone Loc.

18. Popping A Vitamin F


Who says this? Someone who uses Yahoo! Answers.

17. Taking The F Train


Who says this? Actually, no one.

16. Hooking Up


Who says this? College freshmen.

15. Sleeping Together


Who says this? Your married friend asking about your sex life.

14. Going To Pound Town


Who says this? The official mayor of Pound Town.

13. Going To The Boneyard


Who says this? Someone who wears a trench coat.

12. Hitting That


Who says this? The girl in your class who started smoking cigarettes at 13 whom your mom wouldn’t let you hang out with after school.

11. Shagging


Who says this? A British person or an American who even in 2014 can’t stop quoting Austin Powers.

10. Roger/Rogering


Who says this? James Bond, in private, probably.

9. Intercourse


Who says this? A doctor making intense eye contact.

8. Fornicate


Who says this? Your middle school youth pastor.

7. Tapping That


Who says this? Your older brother’s lacrosse friends.

6. Know Someone In The Biblical Sense


Who says this? Your overdramatic friend from book club.

5. Banging


Who says this? Your cool and slightly edgy friend.

4. Doing It


Who says this? 12 year olds.

3. Fucking


Who says this? Someone cutting loose and saying a swear word.

2. Having Sex


Who says this? Most people.

1. Boning/Going To The Bone Zone


Who says this? Frat guys and ladies being ironic.

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