1. You are more successful than the kids who used to bully you.
Finally the AV Club advisor’s words of wisdom from Freaks and Geeks come to fruition. Yes, I will have fries with that, Biff.
2. …And you probably dress less like an idiot than you did in high school.
Which means everyone will think you’re wildly successful, even if you still live on frozen dumplings and cup o’ noodles.
3. No rules AND unlimited free snacks.
Chances are, you’re either staying with your parents or a friend. And in both cases, there are no rules about watching eight hours of TV, or coming home at 7AM. And free snacks. For when you come home at 7AM.
4. All your weird food obsessions in one place.
You grew up here, and you like some weird crap on your breakfast sandwich, and this is the place where they do it, at any hour of the day. No judgement.
5. You have at least one friend who is a gigantic loser.
Nothing says “self-confidence booster” quite like comparing yourself to that friend who works at Denny’s and still lives in someone’s basement. Hang out with them constantly.
6. Free food and booze from family and friends.
Why are you even back in your hometown? It’s probably a holiday, or a wedding, or you’re a guest, and in all of those cases, you’re getting a giant meal prepared for you… especially if you’re Italian. And it’s probably open bar, too. Try to keep your pants on long enough for the cannoli.
7. You talk the local talk.
In other cities, you sound like Borat. But here, you’re as eloquent as Anderson Cooper reading a teleprompter.
8. You can mess with little kids.
Kids are so gullible. You can tell them anything, you never have to see them again anyway. Trick some kids into thinking crazy things. It will be hilarious in 10 years when they still think you can control them with your mind.
9. You know the best spots for escaping from your parents.
And exactly what to do in those spots. And exactly how to oh hey officer, how’s your night going? You want a bite of this weird breakfast sandwich? No, I just bought it.
10. Crashing high school parties.
You keep getting older, but the high school girls stay the same age, right? Drive around until you hear some Katy Perry, and waltz in with a six pack of Bud. The only problem is explaining why you are forty.
11. You always know how to get everywhere.
Which is good news if you’re rocking Apple Maps.
12. You are probably old enough to drink in bars now.
But screw the bar, there is a party with all the seniors happening at Katie Brown’s house. Her parents are gone all weekend!
13. You can throw things at the high school.
What are they gonna do, suspend you?
14. You get to leave.
After all is said and done, you get to leave. Congrats. You made it. Get a freaky breakfast sandwich for the road.