1. That a winged fairy enters your bedroom at night and steals bits of your skull for money.
It’s continually surprising that as little kids, we bought the concept of a supernatural fairy that had an interest in collecting our teeth in exchange for money. Although it does kind of sound like a good premise for a TLC show (My Strange Addiction: I Collect Human Teeth).
2. If you sneeze with your eyes open, they’ll pop out of your head.
Human beings do sneeze with extreme force, but why is it that every parent feels the need to add this little bit of mythical fear factor into something so commonplace as sneezing? How is this even helping the kids? No wonder half the country needs Xanax.
3. If you swallow gum, it stays in your stomach for seven years.
This one is easily debunked with a little patience. The problem is passing along the evidence.
4. That a fat, bearded northerner breaks into the house once a year just to eat cookies and leave presents… but only if you’re good.
When you put it like that, it sounds like it could be partially true if you take away the presents and also live in 14th century England. Did they have cookies back then? Sorry, “biscuits”?
5. That a long-legged bird delivers new babies from outer space, or something.
Of all the straw-men to take the heat for the sudden appearance of a new tiny human being in a household, a large bird, sometimes in a top hat, doesn’t seem like the best candidate. Look at that thing!
6. If you cross your eyes for too long, they stay that way.
Not true. Mom was just otherwise embarrassed to bring you to the supermarket, you little future Jonathan Loughran.
7. If you watch too much TV, your brain will rot.
This is meant to encourage us to read and go outside and stuff. But did 100 hours of quality Nickelodeon programming a week really hurt any of today’s most creative people? 100 hours of Jersey Shore, however, might lend this theory some credibility.
8. That carrots give you night vision.
Yes they contain Vitamin A, which is helpful for eyesight, but they don’t exactly let you see through walls. Too many carrots are consumed by kids hoping for superpowers. Who wouldn’t clean their vegetables off the plate, thinking they were going to be like Superman? Classic mom, turning your interests against you.
9. If you go outside with wet hair, you’re going to catch a cold.
Who knows, maybe they believe it too. At least their heart is in the right place. But we have the Internet now, mom, and we’re pretty sure this doesn’t matter. Four years of being late for class in cold climates seems to suggest otherwise. I’m not wearing that stupid hat Grandma made for me.
10. That a giant humanoid rabbit shows up once a year to deliver us candy.
Considering candy gives us cancer, and we’re not allowed to have pets in the house because of something called “allergies,” we really should have figured this one out sooner, you guys.