The 7 Douchiest Roman Emperors

And they didn’t even HAVE Ed Hardy trucker hats back then.

7. Caracalla (211-217 CE)

● Had his brother and sister-in-law assassinated, then executed most of their supporters.
● When people in Alexandria made fun of him for this, he brought an army there and slaughtered 20,000 people.

WOULD PROBABLY: Pop his collar in the Colosseum.

6. Tiberius (14-37 CE)

● Hosted orgies for young men and women at his villa in Capri.
● Trained little boys to crawl between his thighs when he went swimming, and to suckle on his, uh, manhood as if it were a breast.
● Assaulted two young boys then had their legs broken when they complained.
● Hired men and women as “anal sex experts.”

WOULD PROBABLY: “Accidentally” flex his muscles in front of other peoples’ wives at the baths.

5. Commodus (161-192 CE)

● Loved pretending to be a gladiator, and had wounded soldier or amputees placed in arenas so he could slay them with a sword. Often, they were tethered together so Commodus could pretend he was slaying a giant.
● Commissioned statues depicting him as Hercules.
● Later declared himself the new Romulus and claimed he “re-founded” Rome in 192.
● Had the head of the Colossus of Nero replaced with his own portrait and added an inscription boasting of being “the only left-handed fighter to conquer twelve times one thousand men.”
● Killed 100 lions in a single day.

WOULD PROBABLY: Wear waaaay too much Axe body spray to your dinner party “because it’s ‘girl-nip.’”

4. Elagabalus (218-222 CE)

● Was a teen.
● Invented and used a prototype of the whoopee cushion.
● Married as many as five times, despite dying at age 18.
● Reportedly prostituted himself in the imperial palace.
● Raped and married a vestal virgin in order to produce “godlike children.”
● Circumcised himself to become high priest of his own religion.
● Offered huge bribes to any doctor who could surgically construct him a vagina.

WOULD PROBABLY: Blast dubstep while yelling “DROP THE BASS, BITCH.”

3. Caligula (37-41 CE)

● Made his horse a consul and built it a golden stable. Disturbing the horse’s sleep was punishable by death.
● Drank pearls dissolved in vinegar.
● Boned his sister(s).
● Made it a capital offense for anyone to use the word “goat” in his presence, because he was hairy.
● Ordered his troops to attack the sea and bring him back seashells.
● Executed people and then invited their parents to a feast.
● Depleted the entire treasury within a few months as emperor.
● Erected a personal temple and set up a golden statue of himself, which was dressed in clothes similar to what Caligula was wearing that day.

WOULD PROBABLY: Get hammered and scream-sing “Don’t Stop Believin’” at karaoke, then execute someone.

2. Domitian (81-96 CE)

● Insisted on being addressed as dominus et deus (“master and god”).
● Was sensitive about his baldness and made official portraits depict him with flowing locks of hair.
● Developed a crush on his niece, had her husband executed and moved her into the palace as his mistress.
● Had the head of the Vestal Virgins buried alive for “immoral behavior.”
● Invented a new method of torture: burning the genital of his victims.
● Executed his cousin.
● Persuaded a senator to divorce his wife Domitia so he could marry her instead.
● Had his memory officially condemned by the Roman senate.

WOULD PROBABLY: Wear boat shoes to an orgy.

1. Nero (54-68 CE)

● Hosted “talent shows’ which consisted of him playing the lyre and singing on stage, and refused to let anyone leave. (Suetonius write of women who gave birth during the performances and had to say, and men who faked their deaths in order to be carried out.)
● Had a man castrated and then married him.
● Probably started the Great Fire of Rome, but blamed it on his soldiers instead.
● Poisoned his son, but claimed he “had a seizure.”
● Had his wife imprisoned on a desert island, then exiled his friend so he could marry his friend’s wife. His friend’s wife later got pregnant, and Nero kicked her to death.
● Tried to kill his mom three times before succeeding.
● Impaled Christians on stakes.
● Went to Greece to compete in the Olympic Games, and “won” every match even though he often fell off his chariot.
● His last words were qualis artifex pereo (“What an artist the world loses in me.”)

WOULD PROBABLY: Invite a bunch of male temple prostitutes to come naked party with him and then be like, “But ‘no homo,’ dude.”

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