The 7 Douchiest Greek Gods
Don’t date ‘em, ladies.
7. Hades
• Abducted Persephone and literally made her life hell
• Trapped Theseus and Pirithous in the underworld using snakes
6. Dionysus
• Lured Pentheus into the woods and has his own mom unknowingly tear him to shreds
• Made King Lycurgus slice his own son into pieces
• Partied a lot obviously
5. Hephaestus
• Had lots of ladyfriends
• Caught his wife Aphrodite in bed with Ares, imprisoned them in a net, and took them to Mount Olympus for public shaming
• Made his own mom sit on a magic golden throne that wouldn’t allow her to stand back up
4. Pan
• Turned his crush Syrinx into a flute
• Had another crush, Echo, killed because she wasn’t feeling it
• Taught shepherds how to masturbate
• Wrapped his junk in a sheepskin and seduced Selene, the moon goddess
3. Ares
• Got with Aphrodite while she was still married
• Killed Adonis, who also wanted to get with Aphrodite
• Basically murdered everyone
• Had his throne on Mount Olympus made out of human skin
• Was such a dick no Greek city wanted him to be their patron god
2. Poseidon
• Raped Medusa when she was a child
• Slept with his sister Demeter, who turned into a mare to avoid him; he turned himself into a stallion and was like LET’S DO THIS
• Screwed up Odysessus’ journey by making him get in a shipwreck
• Made King Minos’ wife have an affair with a bull
• Made a bunch of earthquakes when he got bored
1. Zeus
• Had A LOT of mistresses
• Hired a nymph to distract Hera from his affairs by talking incessantly
• Turned into a bull and then raped Europa
• Turned a woman into a tortoise for refusing to go to his wedding
• Killed a guy with a thunderbolt for attempting to impersonate him, riding around in a bronze chariot and loudly imitating thunder (which is pretty hilarious TBH)
• Made Prometheus have his liver eaten by a giant eagle every day
• Threw one of his kids off Mount Olympus just because he was ugly
HOT ON
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gabriellel6 2 months agoUnfortunately there are a lot of different versions of myth, so saying “Poseidon raped Medusa when she was a child” might only be true in some contexts. In some versions he turned her into a Gorgon for shutting him down, or he raped her and then she asked Athena for forgiveness (as she was a virgin) and Athena, being disgusted by her turned her into a Gorgon. In another version Medusa’s sisters were jealous of her, so they let Poseidon into a temple so he could rape her. It’s easy to say the Greek gods were douchey, & yes I agree in many cases they were not cool at all. But you’ve mentioned a lot of key points from myths, but without proper context you cannot really understand or appreciate the story.
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Web Sta 2 months agoThese stories were taken from the book, Metamorphoses. The author Ovid was commissioned by Julius Caesar to write Metamorphoses to document how awesome the gods are, and thus, how awesome Julius Caesar, their deified emporer/”god”, was. Because the Romans weren’t really down for the gods like the Greeks had been; they thought no one was more awesome than themselves (kind of like now). So they didn’t worship anyone but themselves, and they increasingly thought of the gods as fairy stories and no more (kind of like now). But Caesar was down for the whole “worship me, instead” thing. Hence, commissioning this epic book by the best writer of the time, and one of the greatest writers ever. The book was totally epic, and showed the long traditions of how the god’s behaved which led to Caesar himself, who was just like them. But the thing is, Ovid thought Caesar was a total jerk. So he wrote about how the gods were really jerks too. The word “jerk” in this case meaning selfish, capricious, totalitarian, slutty megalomaniacs. There were plenty of other books (e.g., Homeric Hymns) which showed how wonderful and just and merciful the gods were. Ovid’s was just not one of them. Like, so not. Ovid kind of ran with the whole “god = jerk” thing. As you can see above. The jerkiness of the gods, as told in his book, may have been compounded by the fact that (1) Ovid also wrote the book on seduction. Literally. Like, THE book. (2) As you can well imagine, he was a total slut, in which case maybe if the gods are sluts too then maybe that’s not so bad; and (2) he was using his seductive skills to sleep with Caesar’s wife. Things did not turn out well for Ovid, or for Caesar, or for Rome, or for us. (1) Ovid was banned from Rome, regarded as a fate worse than death.
(2) Caesar was stabbed for being a total jerk. Including by his best friend.
(3) Rome fell.
(4) We still have trouble thinking of God/gods as anything but jerk(s). Thanks, Ovid! -
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