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The 7 Douchiest Greek Gods

Don’t date ‘em, ladies.

7. Hades

• Abducted Persephone and literally made her life hell
• Trapped Theseus and Pirithous in the underworld using snakes

6. Dionysus

• Lured Pentheus into the woods and has his own mom unknowingly tear him to shreds
• Made King Lycurgus slice his own son into pieces
• Partied a lot obviously

5. Hephaestus

• Had lots of ladyfriends
• Caught his wife Aphrodite in bed with Ares, imprisoned them in a net, and took them to Mount Olympus for public shaming
• Made his own mom sit on a magic golden throne that wouldn’t allow her to stand back up

4. Pan

• Turned his crush Syrinx into a flute
• Had another crush, Echo, killed because she wasn’t feeling it
• Taught shepherds how to masturbate
• Wrapped his junk in a sheepskin and seduced Selene, the moon goddess

3. Ares

• Got with Aphrodite while she was still married
• Killed Adonis, who also wanted to get with Aphrodite
• Basically murdered everyone
• Had his throne on Mount Olympus made out of human skin
• Was such a dick no Greek city wanted him to be their patron god

2. Poseidon

• Raped Medusa when she was a child
• Slept with his sister Demeter, who turned into a mare to avoid him; he turned himself into a stallion and was like LET’S DO THIS
• Screwed up Odysessus’ journey by making him get in a shipwreck
• Made King Minos’ wife have an affair with a bull
• Made a bunch of earthquakes when he got bored

1. Zeus

• Had A LOT of mistresses
• Hired a nymph to distract Hera from his affairs by talking incessantly
• Turned into a bull and then raped Europa
• Turned a woman into a tortoise for refusing to go to his wedding
• Killed a guy with a thunderbolt for attempting to impersonate him, riding around in a bronze chariot and loudly imitating thunder (which is pretty hilarious TBH)
• Made Prometheus have his liver eaten by a giant eagle every day
• Threw one of his kids off Mount Olympus just because he was ugly

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Deputy Editorial Director, BuzzFeed San Francisco
 
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