9. “Quod culus tibi purior salillo est, nec toto decies cacas in anno; atque id durius est faba et lapillis. Quod tu si manibus teras fricesque, non umquam digitum inquinare posses.”
“Your ass is purer than a saltcellar, nor do you take a shit 10 times in the whole year. When you do, it’s harder than beans and pebbles; and if you rub and crumble it in your hands, you can’t ever dirty a finger.”
—Catullus 23 (meant as a compliment)
8. “Cum depilatos, Chreste, coleos portes et vulturino mentulam parem collo et prostitutis levius caput culis.”
“Chrestus, your balls are hairless
And your cock is as smooth as a vulture’s neck.
Your scalp is slicker than a hooker’s butt.”
—Martial, Epigrams IX.27
7. “Sed domi maneas paresque nobis novem continuas fututiones. “
“But stay at home, and prepare yourself for nine back-to-back fuckings.”
(A “love” letter to young Ipsitilla. Conclusion of poem: “I am lying down after lunch, I am full and on my back; I am boring a hole through my tunic and cloak.”)
6. “De cathedra quotiens surgis—jam saepe notavi—pedicant miserae, Lesbia, te tunicae….sic constringuntur gemina Symplegade culi et nimias intrant Cyaneasque natis.”
“I’ve noticed when you get up from the couch
You’re buttfucked, Lesbia, by your wretched skirts.
Your skirts are caught between those massive buns
As big as two Gibraltars — a tight fit.”
—Martial, Epigrams XI.99
5. “Os et labra tibi lingit, Manneia, catellus: non miror, merdas si libet esse cani.”
“Your little dog licks your mouth and lips, Manneia.
I am not surprised — it always enjoyed eating shit.”
—Martial, Epigrams I.63
4. “Zoile, quid solium subluto podice perdis? Spurcius ut fiat Zoile, merge caput.”
“Zoilus, why do you pollute the bath
By plunging your ass into it? A tip —
Want to make it filthier? Do this:
Submerge your head in the bath as well.”
3. “At tu, pro facinus, Bassa, fututor eras. Inter se geminos audes committere cunnos mentiturque uirum prodigiosa Venus.”
“Bassa, you were in fact a fucker (of women). You dare to rub together two pussies, and your clitoris plays the role of a male.”
—Martial, Epigrams 1.90
2. “Mentula tam magna est, tantus tibi, Papyle, nasus // ut possis, quotiens arrigis, olfacere.”
“Your penis and your nose are so large, Papylus,
that you can smell it whenever you have an erection.”
—Martial, The Nose, 6.36
1. “Pedicabo ego uos et irrumabo // Aureli pathice et cinaede Furi.”
“I will fuck you in the ass and in the mouth, respectively; Aurelius, you sodomized ass pony and Furius, you cock-sucking pervert.”
—Catullus, poem 16, directed at two men who think Catullus is “girly” because he writes love poems.
This poem was considered so vulgar that no one translated it fully into English until the 20th century.
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