Are you a fan of the suburbs' favorite lunch joint? Here are some tips for not being a total idiot when you're trying to get your cinnamon crunch bagel, thanks to the highly recommended PaneraProblems_ Twitter.
1. Order acorn soup.
2. Be a predictable teenage girl.
3. Be bewildered by the idea of soup.
4. Lose your shit if you can't get a baguette.
5. Or a BURRITO.
6. Or HASH BROWNS.
7. Be unable to eat literally anything:
8. Fail to handle a bagel shortage and perform crude gestures to employees.
9. Do not understand the difference between a bowl and a cup.
10. Or basic sandwich math!
11. Or anything about anything. Understand nothing.
12. Force someone to concoct you this gross mess.
13. Ask for "FOCK-a-cha" bread.
14. Or "Santiago."
15. Demand soup that is ontologically impossible.
16. Commit assault and battery over your salad problems.
17. Try to murder the coffee cream.
18. Put non-free drinks in the free water cups.
19. Request additional genitalia with your order.
20. Call it the H-word.
21. Fail to play it cool.
22. Inquire about crouton quality.
23. Demand your bagel hand-buttered.
24. Dress up like a boar and demand sugar.
25. Ignore the concept of the pager return basket.
26. Or drop it off in the butter thing.
27. TL;DR the menu.
28. Do this:
29. Do this:
30. Expect a dollar menu.
31. Pull this move:
