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30 Things Only Antisocial People Understand

“Ahhh sorry, I just saw your text!” —You, three days later

1. Lingering inside for 30 seconds when you hear one of your neighbors in the hallway so you don’t have to talk to them.

2. Secretly rejoicing when friends cancel plans on you.

 

3. When you finally get corralled into going to a party:

4. The internet isn’t just your hobby; it’s your lifestyle choice.

5. Your library of excuses to get out of going to work happy hour rivals the one at Alexandria.

6. This is your idea of heaven while shopping:

7. When your roommate has a guest over and you need to get something from the kitchen:

8. Making up other plans so that people think you have weekend plans and then spending the entire time by yourself.

9. When someone asks, “So what’s new with you?”

10. The Irish good-bye is your signature move.

11. Letting every single call go to voicemail and then never checking your voicemail.

12. That going to the movies by yourself is actually the best thing ever.

13. Seeing someone you know at the grocery store:

14. Never answering the door, EVER.

15. That this is basically your life motto:

16. When you’re talking to your friend and their friend, and they leave and you have to make small talk with their friend:

17. That being able to order pizza online — no stupid phone call!! — changed your life.

18. Not knowing what to do when people are singing “Happy Birthday” to you.

WHERE DO I LOOK WITH MY EYES?!?

19. Checking your email and seeing three different birthday party invites:

20. When you have to call anyone about anything:

21. That going to a wedding by yourself is the worst thing in the world.

22. When you’re at a bar reading by yourself, and someone tries to hit on you:

23. Why going to the beach by yourself is your idea of heaven.

24. Earnestly thinking HBO Go and Netflix are the only friends you need.

25. Hating gym classes or personal trainers, because your workout time is YOUR time.

26. Making up REALLY good excuses for not texting back right away when someone invites you to do something.

“Ahh sorry, I just saw this now!”

27. The mere idea of Tinder fills you with dread.

28. Feeling like you want to melt into the ground when someone invades your personal space.

29. That riding the elevator is the worst thing in the world.

30. That you’re not a total misanthrope; you just use your time wisely with people you really enjoy.

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Deputy Editorial Director, BuzzFeed San Francisco
 
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