1. A case of Easy Mac, which will satisfy you way longer than one candlelit dinner.
2. A romantic getaway to anywhere that doesn’t require wearing pants.
3. A drugstore token that’s actually useful.
RAZORS ARE EXPENSIVE, OK.
4. Roommates who don’t have loud sex.
Or who try to drown out their sex-having with loud EDM music, which just makes things worse because now the moaning contrasts with the bass drops.
6. For your student loans to ride away with Prince Charming on a white horse.
7. A romantic night by the fire with wine and HBO Go.
8. A date who doesn’t mind that you’re kind of addicted to checking your smartphone.
9. Someone to rub your shoulders while you focus exclusively on Flappy Bird.
10. Friends who don’t disappear as soon as they get a boyfriend or girlfriend.
11. Candy hearts that express sentiments you actually feel.
12. A cheat code that physically prevents you from looking at your ex’s Twitter even though you unfollowed them.
Because you can still type in that sweet, sweet URL.
13. Someone to do your work for you so you actually have a split second to date.
14. A machine that senses when you’re drunk and instantly makes you a grilled cheese.
Better than a boyfriend!
16. Getting selected for a focus group that pays you $20 for every Netflix rom-com you watch.
17. A magical way to not be sad over things ending with someone who you weren’t “officially” dating.
It’s OK to be sad, though.