1. President Theodore Roosevelt
“I moustache you a question: why do you disrespect me like that? After all I did for national parks?”
2. Legendary Wrestler (And Reality Star) Hulk Hogan
“HOGAN KNOWS BEST. Specifically, I know that your moustache is an efface to everything I stand for.”
3. Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“My moustache was worth starting a war over. Yours isn’t.”
4. Walter Cronkite
“And that’s the way it is, so get the f**ck out my face.”
5. Former Major League Pitcher Rollie Fingers
“This moustache took four years, seven tons of wax and thousands of hours of labor-intensive curling. Yours too, right?”
6. Albert Einstein
“E = MC2, but a stupid stick and black, curly plastic ≠ legendary moustache.”
8. Wyatt Earp
“I turn away from you and your pathetic moustache/sunglasses combination.”
9. Former New York Gubernatorial Candidate Jimmy McMillan
“Hey, look what you can do with your hair. I’m really impressed. I just don’t have your sense of imagination, hair-follicularly.”
12. President William Howard Taft
“Oh, that’s a moustache, right? It looks a bit like somebody painted a moustache on a coffee cup but I know you wouldn’t try to shit that front of the only person to ever be both president and Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.”
- Dylann Roof wants to plead guilty to the charges against him in the Charleston church shooting, his attorney said, but a judge entered a not guilty plea for him on Friday.
- The U.S. Coast Guard has suspended its search for two teenagers who went missing a week ago off the coast of Florida.
- Beijing will host the 2022 Winter Olympics, becoming the first city to host both the summer and winter games.