What Your Hometown Says About You

An extremely unscientific conversation. Sorry, every Australian ever.

“There are multiple parts of Sydney. It’s like this large broad area that isn’t really defined by anyone.”
“A lot of ‘Sydneysiders’ went to private school. And they probably played rugby.”
“People from Sydney are really up themselves. It’s like, ‘Oh, I live around this beautiful harbour with these beautiful beaches and these beautiful buildings, I’m so beautiful and perfect.’”
“Especially people in inner Sydney who are coffee snobs and spend their weekends at ‘organic markets’ and eating chia seeds.’”
“Ugh. Sydneysiders are the worst.”

Melbourne is like a wannabe Sydney with worse weather but better looking buildings. Also its Luna Park sucks compared to Sydney’s.”
“I feel like people from Melbourne are way more cultured and intelligent than everyone else. And cooler. Melbourne just seems like the best city in Australia even though I’ve never been there.”
“It’s full of trams and graffiti and hipsters and a general feeling of self-worth that they are always eager to deny.”
“Also I have this weird feeling that everyone in Melbourne can cook? I don’t know why.”

“People from Brisbane still use Internet Explorer as their default browser. And they’re OK with that. So I guess just let them be.”
“The only reason you’d go to Brisbane is as a stopover on your way to Hamilton Island.”
“Nobody likes Brisbane. Not even the people in Brisbane.”
“Also Bris Vegas? Please.”
“I went there once for no particular reason and I just remember being amazed by all the cane toads. Like legit you think that’s a joke but it’s not and I was in the city.”
“Also they have, like, a beach in the middle of the CBD? Like. They made one.”
“Brisbane had to make its own beach because there’s nothing else going for it.”

“I read somewhere that Perth is the most expensive place in Australia now. So, good for them I guess.”
“It’s really hot and kind of like a different nation all to its own. Also they kill sharks for fun.”
“I feel like there are more animals in Perth than people. It’s like Jurassic Park but with sharks and vicious kangaroos instead of dinosaurs.”
“Perth is one of those places that’s great to visit but you’d never ever want to live there.”
“The water is definitely bluer in Perth.”
“I think Perth used to be known as a place that had a lot of bogans… and then there was an oil boom or something and all the bogans stayed around but just got loads of money. So now you have this issue with rich, ca$hed-up bogans who think they can charge you $7 for a coffee. Also they drive old Fords.”
“And have personalised number plates.”
“People in Perth still wear trucker hats and Ugg boots unironically.”

“I don’t know anything about Adelaide…except people there call themselves ‘Radelaide’, which is kind of lame and kind of cute. Like a little kid trying to sing.”
“It’s full of churches so I guess they’re religious people. They think they’re posh and pronounce things like ‘dahnce’ and ‘chahnce’ and ‘advahnce’ and generally make you want to punch them in the face.”
“Well there are more sex shops in Adelaide per capita than anywhere else in Australia so there’s that. Also wine. Lots of wine. And those are probably the only reasons you’d go.”
“So basically Adelaide is full of religious, drunk perverts.”

“The Gold Coast is the place for Schoolies and Toolies. Nothing else.”
“Bogans. Bogans everywhere.”
“If chlamydia had a face.”
“People with no creativity or imagination visit the Gold Coast. Every year.”
“But they do have Movie World. Good for you, Gold Coast.”
“It’s a scientific fact that Movie World is the worst theme park in the world.”
“If Two and a Half Men were set in Australia, it would be set in the Gold Coast.”
“The Gold Coast is exactly what I think Florida is like.”
“YES.”
“But Florida had The Golden Girls, which makes it 1,000% better. Also anything is better than the Gold Coast.”

“I feel like Newcastle is like Sydney’s Northern Beaches but without the upper-class pretentiousness.”
“Well technically it is like Sydney’s super Northern Beaches.”
“Everyone in Newcastle knows how to surf.”
“Silverchair are from here.”
“In winter, every teenage girl wears Ugg boots and booty shorts.”
“Newcastle is full of young, drunk bogans.”
“It’s always on the news for drunken teenagers getting in fights and beating the shit out of one another, which probably isn’t the best tourist image.”
“Also I once heard that on an average Saturday night, there are more stabbings in Newcastle than the rest of the country combined. I don’t really doubt that.”
“Newcastle is one casino away from the Gold Coast.”

Canberra is full of politicians. ‘Nuff said.”
“Everyone went to Canberra when they were, like, 12 years old and it has affected them ever since. It’s fucking boring. They have that horse’s heart there and Questacon, which was quite magical when I was young but I imagine if I went back it would be really shitty. Like Wet n’ Wild.”
“Nope. I went to Questacon as a 20-year-old and it was magnificent.”
“I question the sanity of people who voluntarily live in Canberra.”
“Porn. Lots of porn.”
“The porn capital of Australia.”
“Also fireworks. So you can blow shit up whilst you…y’know, like, masturbate.”
“It’s not surprising because there’s literally nothing else to do there.”

“The Sunshine Coast is what the Gold Coast was trying to be and they fucking blew it.”
“I never knew there was a difference between the two tbh.”
“Yeah I 100% thought that the Gold Coast was a part of the Sunshine Coast. My bad.”
“I imagine it’s full of suns wearing sunglasses.”

Wollongong is the Newcastle of the south.”
“I honestly don’t see the point of Wollongong. Why is it there?”
“Wollongong is like the rest stop all Sydneysiders take when they’re going on vacation somewhere.”
“Some disgruntled father: ‘All right kids, we’re gonna stop in Wollongong. I want everyone to GO TO THE BATHROOM and don’t break anything. Be back at the car in 30 minutes.’”
“Wollongong has everything: beaches, rain forests, mountains, steelworks, beaches, bogans, farms, a university, beaches, beautiful places that are being murdered by pollution and development, and more beaches.”
“People from Wollongong are really really intelligent and good-looking. Especially if they made it out of Wollongong.”
“Real talk though, Wollongong is pretty chill. You can walk your dogs on the beach there without people losing their shit.”

“Research suggests 77% of the population of Hobart is over the age of 65.”
“It just seems like a very cold and very peaceful (boring) city.”
“Went to Hobart when I was 14 and all we did was hike. I hated it at the time but in retrospect it was quite pretty. Also, the air is really nice down there. I would move there for the air.”
“Is anyone going to mention the incest?”

Geelong is one of, like, 1,000 places within Melbourne that I don’t get. Like for real there are so many ‘locations.’ They have an AFL team that no one is ever happy with, even when they win.”
“They like cats in Geelong, right? They’re cat people. That’s nice.”
“I feel like people in Geelong are quite sexy.”
“I didn’t even know Geelong was a place. That speaks volumes about it really.”

Townsville. Jonathon Thurston. And, like, army bases?”
“The Hills Have Eyes: Townsville.”
“Saw 18: Townsville.”
“I Know What You Did Last Townsville.”
“Isn’t Townsville where the Powerpuff Girls were from?”
“Oh shit I think you’re right. This changes everything.”
“So there’s that weird monkey with a turban and HIM who was the single most scary character in cartoon history upon reflection like WTF was going on there.”
“You guys just wanna talk about cartoons?”
“Yeah. Captain Planet was the best.”
“Says a lot about Townsville.”

“Went to Cairns when I was young and we weren’t allowed to walk through the back of the house to the beach because there might be crocodiles. Fuck that.”
“A beach you can’t swim in is totally pointless.”
“When I was younger I always thought there was this amazing film festival held there every year. What a let down.”
“Yeah, didn’t you hear? They all speak French.”
“You can’t really pronounce Cairns without sounding like a massive bogan. CAAAERNS.”
“For real though I think Cairns is probably full of gorgeous, relaxed people. And flies.”

Darwin and armpits have a lot in common. Like, in a completely literal sense. Hot. Stinky. Hairy.”
“When I think of Darwin I think of palm trees and things that bite you.”
“Also they got bombed? Which is something they don’t teach enough.”
“It was in that Australia movie. Which nobody saw, I guess.”
“If you can’t get a job and your life is really shit, move to Darwin and become an air-conditioning repairman.”
“*Repairperson.”
“Darwin is supposedly the best city in Australia to visit. What? Why?”

Toowoomba. Where?”
“I think it’s in NSW? Is it in NSW?”
“I have no idea.”
“We are really gonna cop it from Toowomba’s entire population. So, like, five people.”
“Sorry Brett, Donna, Mary, Elizabeth, and Rat.”
“Bazza, Dazza, Mazza, Ezza, and Rat.”

Ballarat is full of baller rats. Geddit? Sorry.”
“Was there a gold rush here? Fuck, I don’t know.”
“Yeah, the only time I’ve heard about Ballarat was in Year 5 history class.”
“Everything there is made of wood. Rotting wood. And the people still dress like it’s 1876.”

Bendigo is populated by rich farmers who want wives.”
Want.”
“It’s a nice bank.”
“The average person from Bendigo is missing at least three teeth.”

“Legit thought Launceston was in New Zealand.”
“There’s like a big rivalry between Launceston and Hobart? I think? And they drink different beers and look different and generally act childish towards one another.”
“Why does Tasmania bother having two big cities? They’re not fooling anyone.”
“Classic Tasmania.”

“Wtf is Albury-Wodonga.”
“I genuinely feel bad for having no idea where this is.”
“This is what would happen if NSW and Victoria got together and had a baby.”
“Isn’t that incest?”
“Or is that the joke?”
“Whoops.”
“Is it one place or two? I’m confused.”
“I think everyone in Albury-Wodonga is confused.”
“Wodonga is fun to say though. Wodonga. WOdonga. WoDONGA. WODONGA. WOOODONNNGA.”
“I do know there’s an airport there. That’s the only time I’ve heard of it.”
“I feel like they probably have a lot of sheep, too.”

Mackay is where your grandparents live.”
“With their pet birds.”
“It sounds like the kind of place where everything is closed on Sundays.”

Rockhampton is in Melbourne? Right? No… no that’s not right.”
“Rockhampton is full of people who are really proud of it because everyone else left.”
“It sounds fancy…like the Hamptons. But it really isn’t.”
“It sounds like a city Fred Flintstone would go bowling in.”
“Accurate description of the population.”

Bundaberg is ginger beer and floods.”
“And rum?”
“And polar bears?”
“People from Bundaberg must be pretty happy.”
“Every year A Current Affair does a piece on some disgruntled Bundaberg farmer.”
“People from Bundaberg mustn’t be very happy.”

“All I can think of when I hear Bunbury is buns. Bread. Cooking. Dough.”
“Bunbury is full of hot bakers. We should all go there.”
“Yep that sounds accurate.”

“People in Coffs Harbour know 197 uses for bananas.”
“The Mother-Fucking Big Banana.”
“It’s where bogans go on holiday.”
“But it’s a quiet, peaceful place to grow up.”
“People from Coffs are very zen.”

Wagga Wagga has the easiest tourist slogan. SO great, THEY NAMED IT TWICE HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAAH HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW FUCKING HA.”
“If you’re from Wagga Wagga, you just call it Wagga.”
“Yeah, you have shit to do. Can’t spend all your time saying Wagga twice.”
“Its name is very close to Woop Woop, which isn’t really a coincidence.”
“Wagga Wagga actually looks like that city from Frozen when it’s cursed and there’s no way of fixing it.”
“People in Wagga Wagga love spooning.”

“There’s probably a wine named after Hervey Bay. Vintage 2013.”
“Nobody actually grows up here; everyone retires here.”
“It sounds very picturesque.”
“If Dawson’s Creek were Australian, it would be set in Hervey Bay.”

Tamworth gives me an immediate image of sheep. God knows why.”
“Guitars and sheep.”
“Cowboys and guitars and sheep.”

“Everyone in Port Macquarie knows how to ride a whale.”
“It’s named after Macquarie. Whoever that was.”
“Its probably full of ‘holiday parks’.”
“Are those the kinds of places teenagers go to have sex?”
“Gross.”
“Exactly.”

Orange is full of dust. Everyone in Orange is dusty.”
“Knock knock, orange you glad etc. etc. etc.”
“It just makes me think of those chocolate oranges, which is a good thing.”
“Oh fuck yeah. I could go for one of them.”

Bowral is yet another city you can’t say out loud without sounding like a total bogan.”
“But it’s the only place in Australia where there are no bogans. It’s all rich people who think it’s OK to spend $270 on a pashmina.”
“It just makes me think of bowels. And bowles.”
“Don Bradman is from there. I guess there’s nothing else to do but play cricket. And smell roses.”

“People from Warrnambool have an inferiority complex because nobody has ever heard of them.”
“It’s really pretty though.”
“It’s yet another place that conjures images of sheep and farms.”
“Lonely farmers and their sheep.”
“That sounds like Channel Nine’s next reality show.”
A Farmer Wants a Sheep.”
“Would watch.”

Kalgoorlie just makes me think of goolies. And getting them in a bunch.”
“People in Kalgoorlie would watch 7mate every night except they probably don’t have digital TV out there.”
“Miners.”
“How do you even pronounce it? Is the ‘R’ silent?”
“It doesn’t matter because you never need to say it.”

Byron Bay is all drugs and surfing. And Kombi vans.”
“It’s full of hippies. Everyone meditates.”
“People in Byron Bay get up earlier than everyone. So they must get shit done.”

“When people think of Australia, it’s Alice Springs they’re thinking about.”
“It’s hot and not worth it.”
“It’s a misleading name because ‘springs’ implies that there’s water.”
“Everyone in Alice Springs is thirsty.”
“Who is Alice though?”
“The fool who thought it was a good idea to put a town in the hottest part of the country.”

“People who didn’t get into the university they wanted go to Bathurst.”
“It’s mainly journalism students who will never be able to afford to pay off their degree. They may as well stay in Bathurst.”
“V8S AND BEER YEAHHHHHHHHHHH FUCKIN’ TURBO SICK DRIFT.”
“Actual quote from a Bathurst newspaper.”
“I once went there and the only thing open past 5 p.m. was Maccas. Scary place.”

“There is only one road in Dubbo.”
“The main street is also the high street, which is also the low street. The CBD is also the ‘burbs.”
“There’s a zoo.”
“They claim to have the best pies in Australia. OK.”
“Dubbo is the kind of place you can’t fart without your boss hearing you.”
“Everyone in Dubbo knows everyone in Dubbo. And then they all leave Dubbo and amazingly run into each other all the time. It’s fucking weird.”
“Also they have, like, four Subways. Like the sandwich shop. Unnecessary.”
“They like to eat fresh.”

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