1. Olden Polynice gets caught impersonating a police officer…TWICE
Blending in as a cop is a bit more challenging when you’re 7 feet tall. Amazingly enough - he did this twice in two months.
2. Knowshon Moreno gets a DUI with the license plate “SAUCED.”
Alanis Morrissette missed this one.
3. Tyler Patrick Thomas and the naked three-point stance
This guy. Found completely naked in a stranger’s home, he did what any O-Lineman would do - he got into a text book, naked three-point stance and charged police officers. The stun guns in Corvallis, OR were not impressed.
4. Roburt Sallie gets cut from Spanish basketball team for taking ExtenZe
You know, the pill that Jimmy Johnson promotes?
5. Lawrence Phillips attempts to drive over teenagers after losing a pick-up football game
Backyard football can be VERY serious and important.
6. Jose Canseco gets pulled over. With a goat. And that goat was wearing a diaper
This literally just happened like, a few days ago. This goat has absolutely no idea what’s happening.
7. Andre Agassi loses Grand Slam match because he was too worried about his hairpiece falling out
No, seriously. He said he lost the French Open in 1990 because he couldn’t take his mind off his wig, and was consumed with the fear of it falling out during the match. So yeah, that’s a wig.
Oh, and he also played tennis in jorts sometimes.
8. Michael Vick is….Ron Mexico
Better known for dog-fighting, lesser known for using the name Ron Mexico in order to get tested for herpes, receive treatment for herpes, and occasionally just straight up tell women that was his name…and giving them herpes.
9. Najeh Davenport defecates in some dorm room dirty laundry
Who hasn’t broken into a sleeping college student’s dorm room to crap in her laundry basket?
10. Randall Simon swings at the sausage
For whatever reason, Randall Simon, a human adult baseball player for the Pittsburgh Pirates - thought it was a good idea to swing his bat and take out the sausage during a Milwaukee Brewers game’s sausage race.
11. Joe Namath wants to kiss Suzy Kolber
Broadway Joe interrupted his own interview to make sure she knew that he did in fact want to smooch. And there’s a video.
12. Dion Rayford and his Chalupa problems
Kansas football player, Dion Rayford, really wanted a Chalupa at 2 AM, but Taco Bell left this off his order. So he did what most people would do, he attempted to climb through the drive thru window and got stuck. We just hit the 14 year anniversary of this bonkers situation.
13. Stephen Ireland lies about multiple grandmothers’ deaths to get out of a soccer match
This guy really didn’t want to play soccer for Manchester United. First it was the maternal grandmother that proved to actually be alive, then when the story changed to the paternal grandmother, well, she was alive, too. Then it was an ex-partner of a grandfather. ALL LIES.
14. DeShawn Stevenson puts an ATM…in his kitchen
If Randy Moss comes over he might need “Straight cash, homey”…in the kitchen, with a $4.50 processing fee.
15. Rosie Ruiz is really good at cheating, but not that good
She temporarily won the 1980 Boston Marathon…by running only the last mile of the race. AND she qualified for that Boston Marathon by pulling the same move at the New York Marathon. OK, so maybe she isn’t actually an athlete, but ain’t nobody got time for a 26.2 mile race!
Shout out to Christo and Tom as inspirational contributors to this bananas list.