1. 1. She “gets” his kids.
It does Taylor Swift a great disservice to say, “Oh, she can babysit Rupert’s two young daughters,” who were born when the mogul was in his early seventies. As if she even has the time, or the willingness to risk a retaliatory open-fisted swipe to the dome from their mother Wendi. But Taylor can be a bridge between Rupert and his tweens. “Tell me your secrets” sounds a lot sweeter coming from a calculatedly naive pop star than it does from a guy whose journalistic ranch hands already have your fucking secrets.
“Trusting Taylor” can get through to these kids and help Rupert do the same. As a result, he’ll seem like a cool dad. Even when he can’t physically be with them, he can say, “Come along, girls, pile into the jet with Taylor. I’ve secured backstage certificates for all of you at Lollaroo, so you can see Doc McStuffins, Kings of Mumford, and Lemony Snickers.”
Plus, they all love dogs!
2. 2. Rupert’s not actually that square, though.
See? Rupert has fun. Near water. Wearing appropriate clothing choices. Unlike ex-BF Harry Styles, who is compelled to show his bare chest every chance he gets, active Rupert prefers sportswear like this Nike Dri Fit top, which wicks away moisture (aka sweat). Fun and responsible, with a touch of humility. Maybe even bashful.
3. 3. Taylor can help advance Rupert’s right-leaning agenda in America.
Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, and Andrea Peyser are fantastic, but tweens and teens aren’t exactly clamoring to listen to and/or process their message. Taylor Swift speaks to millions of these potential Fox News devotees/future Republicans. She’s at their prom, on their phones, on their walls, in their dreams, at the Walgreens checkout when they’re stocking up on zit cream, etc. It would be a huge win for Rupert if he could somehow convince her to turn his strident lite fascism into something palatable for kids who were born into a post-9/11 world. She released an album called Red. Rupert’s gamble is that philosophically she can go there too. Maybe if there’s a tantalizing quid pro quo…
4. 4. Rupert can fund her larger creative ambitions.
Will Taylor Swift be happy playing the Verizon-Clorox Amphitheater circuit every summer for the rest of her life? No. Musicians aren’t just musicians anymore. Will.I.Am is the creative director of something, and you don’t have to be a marketing ninja to listen to Taylor’s lyrics and find a home for more than pedestrian heartbreak. “You belong with me…on this handwoven chaise lounge, sold exclusively this summer at Lowe’s” is just as catchy the original. When I look at Taylor and see her tastefully dancing around in well-considered, Sissy Spacek Badlands-era couture, what I really see is someone with the vision to be the future CEO of a home furnishings line: a Martha Stewart–Jonathan Adler hybrid who will not rest until your domicile is clogged with hoarder-level Taylor Swift–brand wicker furnishings. Rupert will bankroll that shit.
5. 5. Which will also help her instantly DESTROY her old nemesis Kanye West.
Kanye recently told The New York Times, “I will be the leader of a company that ends up being worth billions of dollars, because I got the answers.” With Rupert’s help, Taylor can simply say, “Beat you to it, asswipe. My company is already worth billions. Now buy my latest book about all the unreal things you can do with basil. It has ego-shrinking properties.”
6. 6. Rupert ups her lyrical game.
If Taylor and Rupert get together and the only thing that happens is a line in her song that goes, “I met a mogul / A mogul who ogled / It gave me hives / I’m only 21, but he’s like, 85,” it’s a victory. Beyond that, though, Taylor needs new men to write about. Men with real problems, like dying of old age, international hacking scandals, and being Australian, not some selfish guitar-playing chode who jabbers on and on to Rolling Stone about women’s buttholes and insults Kerry Washington when he’s not weeping into his Panera ciabatta.
7. 7. Speaking of hacking…
Hooking up with someone like Taylor Swift must titillate the voyeur in Rupert. New phone numbers, conversations, and voicemails will open up to him, and all he needs to do is sit and soak up the content, like he’s futzing with a CB radio or police scanner. Then he can walk around making thinly veiled threats that seem random but aren’t. “Listen, you need to walk in one direction back to the yacht, Taylor,” and “I never fly out of Kennedy, Taylor. And you will quit doing so too.”
8. 8. Taylor’s comfortable with senior citizens.
She waltzed onstage and sang “As Tears Go By” with Mick Jagger, winning over a crowd in Chicago during the Rolling Stones’ Shingles Awareness World Tour. The song choice, by the way, could have been a coded message to Rupert that she knew what he was going through.
9. 9. She can help him with Twitter.
Rupert is the head of a news empire that has an audience of millions (maybe billions — if I’m gonna get this done, I can’t waste time checking facts) of people around the world. And yet, Taylor has about 29,000,000 more followers than Rupert (or roughly 50 times more readers than the print edition of the New York Post). She’s won people’s hearts. Her tweets are often gentle observations or notes of thanks, a brief window into her world. Rupert’s tweets are brusque opinions that want to be fact. He tweets like Donald Trump. It’s all outrage, blame, and disappointment, with the odd rare compliment sprinkled in. What he thinks is candor is really just “old man” reacting to world from BarcaLounger. She needs to be his Twitter Cyrano.
10. 10. Transcendental meditation.
OK, obviously there aren’t 10 reasons they should hook up, but we got here. Rupert tweeted about getting into transcendental meditation this past spring. Maybe this would mellow his tweets. This and Taylor Swift as a girlfriend. Maybe his news outlets would be more reflective and less reactionary. Maybe he could open up little T.M. centers around the country — but make them more like fast-food restaurants where you could actually drive through and meditate. No?