1.Cats have long, furry tails. My tail is furry but not very long.
2.Most species of cats do not mate for life. I will mate with a cat for life, assuming she's Ms. Right.
3.No cat has ever been arrested on triple charges of grand theft auto, arson, and counterfeiting in the state of New Mexico.
4.Cats love the sweet, sweet taste of Dr. Pepper, whereas I can take it or leave it.
5.A group of cats is called a "clowder." A group of me is called "stuck in the Hall of Mirrors again, Jean-Luc, you fool."
6.The Ancient Egyptians worshipped cats as sacred creatures, but considered me an "OK guy" at best.
7.There have been dozens of cartoons over the years starring cat protagonists. There is just one cartoon staring me, and it's only available via my personal website, on Betamax.
8.A male cat's penis has over a hundred backwards-pointing spines, but I only have a measly 82.
9.I asked a vet, and apparently there's no such thing as "feline carpal tunnel syndrome," so let's add that to the list too.
10.Cats purr to express an emotion or a need, but I purr all the time, even in my sleep.
11.Cats did not have to pay a blackmarket Bulgarian dentist $700,000 to have two long canine teeth lasered into their jaw.
12.Cats didn't ruin my aunt's wedding reception.
13.Cats are so good at catching mice, it's insane. They make it look so freakin' easy. It's not that easy. It's very hard. It takes me days, sometimes. I don't get it.
14.Cats also don't always eat the mice they catch.
15.The word for "cat" in French is "chat." The word for "Jean-Luc Bouchard" in French is unknown.
16.So far, no one's been willing to take me into their home and give me a new name and make me part of their family but whatever I don't care.
17.Many people are allergic to cat hair, and only a few women are allergic to my hair, and they only discover that after I go in for the kiss.
18.If a cat went to high school, it would get a yearbook superlative like "Most Fuzzy" or "Most Cuddly" and not "Most Likely to Try and Fail to Open an Arby's Franchise".
19.When cats hack up hairballs, they rarely activate their historically-weak gag reflex and get kicked out of the Microeconomics 101 class they needed to graduate.
20.Cats can lick themselves clean, and have never had to pay someone else to lick them clean.
21.Cats walk on four legs, and I walk on two pairs of one leg.
