1. For starters, you have to pay to become lifeguard certified
Classes can easily run $200-$300. It took me 3 paychecks at part time to come out of the red.
2. You might have to save someone in a completely serious situation in and out of the water
Imagine of the stress of being an EMT. Now Imagine that in water.
3. You might have to help someone in a completely non-serious situation in and out of the water
You’re son purposefully stepped on a bee and now it hurts? And you want me to do something about that?
4. You have to know how to deliver a baby
Extremely pregnant women, please stay home.
5. There’s a chance you’re gonna have to deal with an AFR (Aka Accidental Fecal Release)
Yeah, when someone craps in the pool.
6. You have to check the pool chemicals every hour on the hour
This isn’t a freaking chemistry class!
7. You have to work the children’s pool
The shallow hole in the ground filled with piss and screaming children.
8. People don’t listen to you…even though you’re a lifeguard
When we say stop running, we mean it. Don’t be “That Guy”.
9. We watch people swim while we sit in the heat
Why don’t I just put a jar of Nutella in front of your face and not let you have any. It’s a very similar feeling.
10. Okay, so giving mouth to mouth to people like this is a bonus
As long as they don’t die.
11. Giving people like this mouth to mouth makes us want to die
No. Just. No.
12. The threat of a sunburn is a constant one
Sunscreen and umbrellas are a lifeguards lifeguard.
13. We have to lifeguard on those awkward rainy summer days
Swimming in the rain=fun. Watching people swim in the rain=no fun.
14. Parents think we are the same thing as a babysitter
No, it’s not okay to just drop your child off at the pool and yes, we will judge you for it.
15. Falling asleep at a normal job is frowned upon. If you fall asleep while lifeguarding someone could die
And you’d probably lose your job.
16. We also have to clean the bathrooms and changing rooms.
Come on, Keep your business in the toilet.
17. Once you become a lifeguard and you see something wrong you feel obligated to help
-Car on the side of the road “THEY NEED CPR!”
-Someone has a slightly crooked smile “DID YOU HAVE A STROKE!?”
-someone looks slightly pail “YOU’RE HAVING HEAT EXAUSTION! LET ME HELP YOU”
18. For the rest of your life every time you see someone run by a pool you cringe
Just. Don’t. Do. It.
19. One day you will have the perfect hair day and that will be the day you have to jump in and save someone
20. People who wear these are the worst
No. You are NOT a lifeguard.
21. You have to get re-certified after a certain number of years
There goes another 200 bucks…