1.
frodo: so why can't the eagles fly the ring to mordor? [flashback to an eagle unfollowing gandalf on instagram] gandalf: they just can't ok
2.
Cop: are you on drugs? Me: no of course not Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you
3.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
4.
Gandalf's mom in labor: it's been 16 hours! GET OUT! [From vagina]: A wizard is never late, nor early. He arrives precisely when he means to
5.
*nerd hooking up* "How could something Sauron feel so good"
6.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
7.
What idiot called him Alexander graham bell instead of lord of the rings
8.
[Gets on one knee] Margaret- [Pulls out ring] Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won't stop following me.
9.
The first rule of Hobbit Club is there's no tolkien about The Hobbit Club.
10.
A dildo is the sex toy most likely to be referenced in a hobbit rap battle.
11.
[gf falls asleep during a movie] ME: aw [i get a blanket] ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum's riddles
12.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book? Me: Every night Priest: What's their favorite part? Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
13.
*pays for a 9th consecutive lap dance from the same stripper*...so then Sam..get this..he literally PICKS UP FRODO and carries him up the mo
14.
"If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-" SHE THOUGHT GANDALF & DUMBLEDORE WERE THE SAME PERSON *priest vomits*
15.
Losing to Aragorn in chess, a frustrated Borormir flips the board. "Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king." He pouts, tears in his eyes.
16.
"Gandalf is dead." - frodo nietzsche
17.
Gollum stared sadly as the woman of his dreams walked away, but it was his own fault - if he liked it then he shoulda put a ring on it.
18.
Gandalf: [his fingers slipping off the edge of the bridge of Khazad Dum] "Get the fuck outta hea ya fuckin knuckleheads"
19.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
20.
[Gandalf hands Frodo the ring] "Are there any markings?!" F: "Nothing.. no, wait... [reads] 'ONE RING TO RULE UPDOG'" G: "What's updog?"
21.
"More like SaurOFF," thought Frodo, as the eagle carried him away from the destruction.
22.
Gandalf: It is in men that we must place our hope Elrond: Have you seen their tweets