THE TWELVE TRICKS OF SUBTLE PSYCHOLOGICAL TORMENT: HOW TO DRIVE PEOPLE AWAY WITHOUT REALLY TRYING
The Twelve Tricks of Subtle Psychological Torment: How to Drive People Away Without Really Trying
by Jane Gilgun
Are you tired of someone? Do you want that person out of your life but don't want messy scenes? This article is for you. It's chock full of sneaky tricks that will send other people screaming for the door. Most of those who go running won't even realize how clever you are.
The Twelve Tricks in this article compose subtle psychological torment (SPT). To be effective at SPT, use the first two tricks at all times. Except for these, don't worry about the order of the other ten. You can use them according to what you think would work best. Some of the tricks are contradictory. All the better. Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, as Walt Whitman wrote. Remember, the acronym for subtle psychological torment is SPT (SPIT). The following are the Twelve Tricks of Subtle Psychological Torment.
1. Act as if what you are doing arises out of deep love and respect for others. No matter what other tricks you're pulling, you must always maintain this act. Have a kind look on your face. Cock you head a little. Look deeply into the eyes of others, even as you pull these dirty tricks. This shows that you are a loving, kind person.
2. Refer everything that others say back to yourself. This is a wonderful technique. For a subtle kick, throw in a bragging point or two. This trick ignores what others say (Trick 3) while appearing to be responsive. It makes others feel unimportant. Do this three or four times, and others will be screaming inside—just what you want.
Here is an example:
Your target: The sky is blue.
You: I was in Gibraltar last week. You should have seen how blue the sky was there.
3. Ignore what others say or want. This is part of almost every trick you can pull. The only time you don't ignore what others say or want is when you are doing the opposite, which is hanging on every word and being overly solicitous. (Trick 4) There are many variations. Sometimes people have a simple request that you ignore. This is simple invalidation. In other situations, ignoring what others want involves dialogue, which ends up being a series of invalidations.
Here is an example of simple invalidation.
Your target: I've got to rest for a minute. My toe hurts.
You: Can't you rest when we get there?
This example shows how to ignore another's discomfort, a trick that dismisses and invalidates the concerns of others, a tried and true turn-off guaranteed to drive people away.
Here's another example of ignoring discomfort. It's quite creative because it also refers back to yourself.
Your target: My toe is starting to hurt a lot.
You: I broke my big toe once. I didn't have health insurance. I cried all night. I didn't want to go to the emergency room because of the cost. I finally had to go. It cost $2500. I had to wear a splint for three weeks. It's hasn't been right since.
Ignoring what others want can take place in more complex invalidations of others, such as the following dialogue about where to go for dinner. The principle here is to act as if you really want to know what the other person wants, but the truth is you already know what you want and that's all that matters to you.
You: What restaurant would you like to go to tonight?
Your target: I haven't had a good vegetarian meal for a long time. How about Brenda's?
You: I had vegetarian for lunch. I'd like some variety.
Your target: How about Stella's? They have great macaroni and cheese with shrimp.
You: I don't think so. Stella's is too noisy.
Your target: Where would you like to go?
You won! You acted as if you were interested in what the other person wanted and then you dismissed the preferences. That's a subtle way of saying what the other person wants doesn't count. This is guaranteed to wean others from you. There is no greater put-down than to ignore what others say or want. The dig is even deeper when you pretend that you want to know what they want.
4. Hang on their every word. Be sure to look intently into the eyes of others. Respond instantly with profound, fake empathy. This could also be called being overly solicitous. This is the opposite of Trick 3, which is ignoring what others say or want. Remember: consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. When you want to get rid of someone, do whatever it takes, including being inconsistent. To further dig at the other, notice every little facial expression no matter how small. Enjoy yourself when the other starts to look uncomfortable.
Your target: I stubbed my toe.
You: Oh, you poor thing. It must really hurt.
Your target: It's not that bad.
You: Do you want me to rub it?
Your target: No, thank you.
You: How about a pan of hot water to soak it in?
Your target says: No, thank you.
You: I've got some liniment. Would you like that?
Your target: No, thank you.
By this point in the conversation, your target is frustrated, and you give the appearance of virtue. Enjoy!
Dialogues such as these drive others from you, guaranteed. The example combines ignoring what your target says and wants, and you get to present yourself as a loving, kind person.
5. Interrupt. This technique involves not allowing others to finish a thought. It works even better if they obviously are happy about something. Do this two or three times, and the other person will stop talking. Soon, they will head for the door. This is just want you want.
Here is an example.
Your target: Look. I have a new camera. It's got a big sensor. It will take great photos—
You: That's nice, dear. I've got a headache. Would you get me some aspirin?
This technique works just as well when someone is sad. For example,
Your target: The goldfish I had for ten years died today.
You: I won a goldfish in a pie-eating contest when I was a kid.
6. Talk in paragraphs. This trick, like some of the others, ignores a basic rule of good communication, which is reciprocity. Good communication is like a tennis game. One person says something, and the other responds. Making one point at a time and sticking to the main point are important. If you want to drive someone mad, mess with topic.
Example:
Your target: What do you think of my new scarf?
You: Nice colors. They remind me of a sunset, with the pink and white swirls and the splashes of yellow, kind of like multi-flavored sherbet that Lund's sells. Did you know they had a special on sherbet last week? I bought two gallons and had neighbors over last week. We sat on the patio and watched the sunset. I took some great photos that I think I will enter into National Camera's photo contest. The contest closes next week. Have you ever entered a photo contest?
At the end of such a speech, the other person will be speechless and will want to get away from you, just what you want.
7. Know everything. No matter what the topic, make sure others know how much you know. For example, if sometime is talking about pulling wallpaper off walls, make sure others know that you know all the techniques of steaming and scraping. If you are visiting an art museum, be sure to give others the history of each piece, even when they don't ask you for it. When you show how much you know, combine that with lack of interest in what they know. This dynamite combination will turn others from you in the blink of an eye.
A variation on knowing everything is to say you know something and then lead others into painful situations. An example is when you and the person you want to get rid of are in a part of town that is unfamiliar to the other person. Say you are looking for an art gallery where an acquaintance has a show. Be sure to proclaim how well you know the area. Tell the other to follow you. Then proceed to walk up and down several different blocks, promising at each one that the gallery is there, and it isn't. This works especially well if the other person has a sore big toe. That person will want out of your life immediately.
8. Be inconsistent with sharing of information. Tell others what they already know and do not tell them something they would like to know. Here's an example of telling someone something she already knows. The person you want to get rid of has made her own macaroni since she was a child. She has even served this home-made dish to you several times. While looking for the art gallery that you appear not to be able to find, tell her how to make home-made macaroni. She tells you she knows how to make it, but you ignore her and keep talking.
Here's an example of withholding information. You and the other person you want to get rid of are at a restaurant. She orders a seafood dish that she says sounds delicious. You smile and don't comment. The dish arrives minutes later. The other person tastes it. She says, "Yuck. The fish is overcooked. They must prepare it ahead of time." You say, "I know. I had it last week. I didn't like it. I thought it was overcooked, too."
9. Demand appreciation. When you do something for others, especially if you do so without asking what they want, act as if you are entitled to appreciation. Sometimes what you have done appears to be genuinely kind, like bringing flowers to someone with a sore toe. The person says a quiet thanks. This is your cue to say, "Is this all the appreciation I get? I went out of my way to find those flowers." She'd run out the door, but it's her house and her toe is sore.
A variation on the demand for appreciation is to do something for others that they have already done for themselves. For example, the person you want to get rid of has a virus and stays home from work. This is on top of having a sore toe. Don't ask if she needs anything. Just bring throat lozenges, cough medicine, nose spray, and eye drops. When the other person smiles weakly and says, "Thanks," while avoiding eye contact, you say, "Is that all the thanks I get? I'd like a little appreciation for my efforts." That will make the other want to scream.
10. Jump to conclusions. This really gets to others. The person you want to get rid of makes a simple observation. Take that simple statement and make it into something the other person did not intend.
An example:
Your target: I wish I had red curly hair like hers.
You: You don't like yourself very much, do you?
Another example:
Your target: I am tired of waiting for the bus.
You: You don't like me very much, do you?
11. Assume. Jumping to conclusions is a form of assuming, but there are other forms as well. A chief form is to assume that others do dumb things on purpose. They you can question their smarts and feel superior. For example, the person you were guiding to the art gallery probably could have taken a cane. That might have decreased the pain of walking with a sore toe. Be sure not to ask why the person left the cane at home. Instead, say, "The cane would have helped" as you march five steps in front of her. Assume the person is short-sighted, not smart like you. If you ask about the cane and the explanation is reasonable, you might not be able to feel superior.
If you had a conversation about the cane, you might learn that the person didn't bring the cane because she was afraid others would see her as vulnerable. The art gallery is in an unsafe part of town, and she was afraid of being robbed or otherwise attacked. Furthermore, the person has done volunteer work in juvenile detention centers and has seen first-hand how violent some people can be. She also might not have realized that she would have to do so much walking. She may have assumed you would park close to the gallery, making the walk a short one. She might not have volunteered this because of the pain in her toe and the frustration of not being able to find the gallery.
This trick is related to Trick 10: Jump to conclusions. Never, never solicit further information if you want to drive people away and want to feel superior about your untested assumptions.
There are probably many other assumptions that drive people away make you feel superior. One that comes to mind is to assume that you know what is good for others and be sure to inform them.
12. Act as if everything is your fault. This is the greatest trick of all. Whenever the other person expresses an unhappy thought, act hurt. For example, while at a restaurant, the other person says, "My soup is cold." You say, "Oh, no. I picked this restaurant. I'm so sorry. I'll call the wait person and make the chef heat it up." You wave the wait person over and proceed to complain about the cold soup and insist that it be heated up nice and hot. You then smile with satisfaction at the other, knowing that you have made up for something terrible that you did.
Acting as if everything is your fault justifies acting on behalf of others when they haven't asked you to. Other people feel as if you are controlling them. If you want to drive people away, assume that everything is your fault and you have to fix whatever goes wrong. Ignore how others respond.
Here's another example. You had planned on taking a dinner boat ride down the Mississippi River. The person you want to get rid of has a virus and a sore toe. She asks if it's all right with you to postpone plans. You get angry and upset because you believe she doesn't like you and doesn't want to be with you—at least this is what you tell the other person and anyone else who will listen.
Here's a final example. You and another person wait for a taxi on a city street. This is not the person with the sore toe. She is long gone. Ten taxis go by, and they have passengers. The sun is hot. The other person says, "I hope an empty taxi comes soon. I'm getting sunburned." You say, "I'm so sorry. I should have taken us to another street corner where there are always available taxis."
Keep this up and the other person will be silent in order to avoid causing you pain. Soon afterward, the person will avoid you, just what you want. Or is it?
Discussion
The beauty of these tricks is that they work. They drive people out of your life. They work because they're subtle. They slip like a knife between the ribs before the other person realizes what's happening. They're also like a slight of hand. You appear to be doing one thing, but you're actually doing another. This means you present yourself as a kind person, but you jab and thrust at other people, at least this is how others experience you. Other people may feel confused about your façade of kindness and your subtle jabs. They may also feel guilty around you and wonder what they did wrong. They may think there is no way to please you. They will avoid you because they don't want to feel this way. Because of the confusion, it may take others some time to figure out what is going on with you.
Sadly, many people use these "tricks," when they actually want to keep others in their lives. They are oblivious to the effects of what they do. They may not realize how their behaviors affect others. Who knows what's going on for them? They apparently don't know. Do they really want others to avoid them?
Even when others catch on to these tricky behaviors, they are unlikely to want discuss them. Others are headed out the door and will keep going because the tricks are too complicated, with little hope that anything will change. They feel too controlled, too suffocated, too discounted to want to hang around.
These tricky behaviors drive people away. If you want people in your life, don't use these twelve tricks. Do the opposite of every one of the Twelve Tricks. The acronym for subtle psychological torment is SPIT. Don't SPIT on others.
Note:
If you see yourself in any of these tricks, ask yourself if you really want to drive people away. If you don't, then test your assumptions. For example, don't act as if everything is your fault. Instead, make a factual statement even if you are afraid the other blames you. In the example of having to wait for a cab, say, "Yes, it's hot. I hope the cab comes soon, too."
If you know a dish at a restaurant might not be good, share the information. Almost everyone will be appreciative. Anyone who is not might be someone you don't want in your life.
It's ok not to know something. You don't have to know the directions to everywhere. You don't have to know the history of every art object in a museum. Other people love it when you don't know something. In that way, they might be able to share with you knowledge they have. When you believe you must know everything, you are psychologically suffocating others.
Above all, test your assumptions. The first step is to become alert to the assumptions you make. Next, instead of acting on your assumptions immediately, think about them. What else might be going on? Is every situation about you and your inadequacies? Must every situation involve acknowledgement of what a good person you are? Then, after you've considered the many possibilities that the behaviors of others might mean, test a few of them by soliciting additional information or acting as if a pleasant assumption is true.
Give others psychological space to be themselves. Don't crowd others with your fears and your expectations. The more you let go of your fears and expectations, the more other people will enjoy being with you. Otherwise, stick to what you assume to be the case and take your lumps. You're free to choose.
References
Gilgun, Jane F. (2012). Letting go is not easy, but important to do. Scribd.com. http://www.scribd.com/doc/90533628/Letting-Go-is-Not-Easy-but-Important-to-Do
Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). On being a shit: Unkind deeds and cover-ups in everyday life. Available for Amazon Kindle, iBooks, Nook and other e-readers.
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